Absorbing everyone else's emotions
Untangling the threads of enmeshment. How to build emotional autonomy, reclaim your own emotional identity, and curb your tendency to take on the emotions of everyone around you.
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Emotions play a significant role in shaping who we are and how we behave. Picture this: You're at a crowded party, surrounded by friends, laughter, and excitement. And as you mingle, you notice a close friend of yours who seems off. Without conscious thought, you begin to feel a sense of heaviness and sadness, almost as if their emotions have now become yours.
Now consider this scenario: You're in a team meeting at work, discussing the different approaches to a challenging project. One of your colleagues expresses frustration and stress about the tight deadlines. Almost instantly, you feel a surge of tension and anxiety, even though you weren't particularly stressed out before.
Both of these examples demonstrate how emotions shape our interactions and show up in our relationships. For some people, this is an expression of empathy; feeling what others are feeling. This is a healthy form of relating that allows us to connect with the emotional states of the people around us. Some people, however, have a tendency to over-identify with the emotions of others, leading to a pattern of relating known as emotional enmeshment.
Emotional enmeshment happens when we move beyond empathy and beyond emotional separateness to absorb other people's emotions as if they are our own. When someone becomes enmeshed with another, it's like a web where the boundaries between our emotional experiences and those of others become blurred, causing little to no separation between them. Much like a spider’s web, with silk threads that crisscross and connect, vibrations on one end of a spider's web can be felt on the other, meaning that the emotions experienced by one person are deeply felt by the other. When we are too enmeshed, we lose our ability to recognize our own emotions and see ourselves as emotionally independent.
Spinning a familiar (and familial) web
At the heart of emotional enmeshment lies our tendency to assume responsibility for the emotional states of others. It's that moment when a friend is disappointed, and suddenly, we feel their disappointment and our overwhelming sense of guilt, as if their disappointment has become our personal failing. When someone criticizes us, their words may cut deep, causing us to feel their judgment and our own feelings of shame. A loved one's anger may also become intertwined with our own fears or their sense of urgency may begin to fuel our anxiety. In all of these examples, there is little to no emotional separateness; feelings on their side of the web are now being felt within us.
This pattern often finds its roots in our family of origin. In our early years, we learn patterns of emotional connection from our caregivers. When we grow up in a family where emotional separateness is not modelled or not respected, we may develop a blurred sense of emotional individuality. In this case, we may have come to see our own emotions as tied to the emotional wellbeing of others. We start to think that our emotional responsibility is to always be aware of how others are feeling. In some cases, this self-appointed duty and responsibility comes from having to predict how others are going to react. We don’t just become hyper-aware of how other people feel because we want to— we usually do it because we had to. And now, as adults, we find ourselves replicating these patterns in relationships, perpetuating that cycle of enmeshment.
If you’re looking for a way forward, I have a few ideas. First, it is important to view other people’s emotions as theirs and not as yours to be responsible for. In regular moments, practice noticing other people’s emotions as separate from yours. Next, here’s an analogy I often share with my clients that you may find helpful.
Emotional Sponges and Emotional Rocks
I want you to imagine that you're in a rainstorm. Some people are like emotional sponges, absorbing every drop of rain that falls. They soak up not just their own emotions but also those of everyone around them, leaving them feeling emotionally heavy and, quite honestly, emotionally saturated. On the other hand, there are emotional rocks. These are the people who remain solid, letting the emotional rain wash over them without it seeping in. They acknowledge the emotions around them but remain grounded and firm in their own emotional separateness. When it comes to our emotions, some people are emotional sponges and some people are emotional rocks.
Soak it up and squeeze it out!
Emotional sponges have this remarkable ability to connect on a deeper level. They absorb emotions like a sponge absorbs water, feeling what others feel and creating an atmosphere of safety, care, connection, and empathy. This sensitivity allows them to build deeper relationships and offer unwavering support. Being in tune and in touch with what we are going through is their superpower.
However, being an emotional sponge does come with its challenges. Over time, the boundaries between personal emotions and absorbed emotions may blur. This can lead to the enmeshment pattern I spoke about, making it hard to distinguish their own feelings from those they've absorbed. It may even lead to relationship burnout, as the sponge becomes oversaturated and the weight of constantly carrying other people’s emotions creates a diminished sense of self. So, if you know you’re an emotional sponge that has a tendency to soak it all up, don’t forget to squeeze it all out by taking really good care of yourself.
Let it slide off and let others in
Emotional rocks stand as steady anchors in a storm of emotion. They have a strong capacity to remain unfazed by external turmoil, providing stability and a safe haven for others. This emotional stoicism can be empowering, allowing them to navigate challenging situations with a level head. Emotional rocks often set an example of stability by helping to regulate emotions in a group and by promoting a sense of security.
However, even the strongest rocks have their limits. Embracing the role of an emotional rock all the time can lead to detachment and emotional repression. The urge to let it all slide off might result in shutting down emotions altogether. The constant shielding can hinder authentic connection and stunt emotional growth. In extreme cases, emotional rocks might appear robotic or aloof, which can isolate them from others who might perceive them as quiet, distant, or closed off.
In the context of family relationships, it’s helpful to get to the root of the pattern. Being an emotional sponge might have meant absorbing your parents’ anger and anxieties as a child, internalizing their frustrations and worries and therefore carrying them as your own. You might have learned that you were responsible for someone else’s emotional wellbeing, even when it came at the cost of your own. Now, as an adult, being an emotional rock might involve setting boundaries with your parents and recognizing that while you can offer support, you are not responsible for carrying their emotions. This doesn't mean you're devoid of empathy; instead, you can connect with their experience while maintaining your emotional autonomy.
Plot twist— what if we are both?
Building emotional autonomy and reclaiming your emotional independence is about practicing this important skill: being able to recognize when we are being an emotional sponge and when we are being an emotional rock. When it comes to navigating our own emotions, we are not just a sponge or a rock. We can be both. We all have a tendency to take on a different role in different relationships. In that case, with some people we are the sponge and with others we become the rock. Though we have our patterns and preferences, it’s important to recognize what part of us is emerging so we can choose whether that helps us or not.
Recognizing when to absorb emotions for the sake of connection and when to create emotional boundaries is crucial. Those who tend to be an emotional rock can benefit from letting their guard down occasionally, showing vulnerability that builds bridges instead of walls. Emotional sponges, on the other hand, can practice discernment in what emotions they choose to internalize and carry so they can maintain their sense of self. Sometimes, emotional sponges can think like an emotional rock to ensure that external emotions don't overwhelm their own. And vice versa, emotional rocks can think like an emotional sponge for when it is better to open up, be a bit more vulnerable, and connect a bit deeper.
Building emotional autonomy and your own emotional identity is a journey that requires practice and patience. As you untangle and unravel from emotional enmeshment, you'll find yourself reclaiming your own emotional identity, fostering healthier relationships, and nurturing a more authentic connection with yourself and others.
By gaining emotional independence, you're creating space for your emotions to flourish in their own way without needing permission and without having to be responsible for the emotional states of others.
For some, this sounds scary and confusing. And for others, this may be liberating. However this is landing for you, remember that this whole being human thing is not about being the most popular, or being the smartest, or being the most emotionally zen.
Being human is about being yourself, living life your way, being in healthy relationships, and contributing to something greater than yourself. None of those things require you to absorb everyone’s emotions or, better yet, apologize for refusing to do it.
If you’re going to absorb anything, absorb more rest, more grace, more peace, more yummy food, more movement, more breath, and more good people.
That, my friends, is pure medicine.
— Jake