Asking For A Friend - Volume 02
Asking For A Friend - Volume 02
Another round of frequently asked questions. In this edition, Im responding to a reader question about how to get unstuck.
In each Volume, I’ll answer your questions about modern life, relationships, stress, and wellbeing. To submit a question for a future Volume, just send me an email or a direct message.
Volume 02: Getting Unstuck
Hey Jake,
I’m currently navigating a tough situation at work. I’m feeling stuck and I can’t seem to get motivated. It’s my first full-time job and I want to impress my colleagues and my boss. I know I’m capable of doing the job, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the transition to 9-5. I find myself slacking and procrastinating more. I want to find motivation and get unstuck, but I can’t seem to get there. Can you share some strategies for getting unstuck?
Sincerely,
Stuck In Place
Dear Stuck In Place,
Many of us can relate to this feeling you’re describing. It’s hard to find momentum when you’re feeling stuck and the struggle to find our footing is common.
In therapy, I see a lot of clients who struggle with this too. Feeling unmotivated can be a symptom of a mental health issue but feeling unmotivated is not alone a cause for concern. We all go through cycles and periods of sadness, stuckness, and not feeling motivated to accomplish what we’d like to, especially during moments of change and transition like you are experiencing right now.
When we are struggling to find traction, there are typically three layers of this issue, each with a question that frames the issue we experience— the what, the why, and the how.
What am I trying to accomplish?
Why am I feeling stuck?
How do I get unstuck?
Each of these questions presents a new layer to our experience of getting unstuck. Whether we are trying to accomplish a goal, adjust to a new routine, or simply trying to fold the laundry, if we want to find movement, we have to get clear on what form of stuckness we are struggling with. Many of us struggle to identify what exactly we’re struggling with, so it is important to first identify if we’re struggling to find a motivator (“the what”), the motivating reason (“the why”), or the motivation roadmap (“the how”).
Idling produces exhaustion
Before I go through each example, I want to offer you more normalization. If you’re currently in a position of struggling with motivation, having trouble initiating tasks, or trying to adjust to a new normal, do know that you are not alone. Struggling to find motivation is its own form of exhaustion. You may have the desire to make a change but you simply just don’t have enough energy to do it. Know that this is not a flaw within you— it might just be about needing to put the right systems in place to allow you to feel more successful in each attempt you’re making.
When you’re constantly trying to achieve your goals without success, exhaustion and demotivation sets in. Going through the motions of life can also make for a state of stagnation. Stagnation can sometimes feel comfortable because it is familiar. Stagnation can also feel tiresome and overwhelming, especially if the stagnation is causing you to regress or fall behind on where you’d like to be in life. In any case, idling in place is exhausting if you’ve continued to hope for a different outcome after each attempt at trying something new.
When you’re getting nowhere
Most of us can also recognize the feeling of frustration, worry, and guilt that comes from having goals for ourselves and not enough momentum, energy, or opportunity to accomplish them. It can feel like we’re getting nowhere and sometimes it can feel easier to give up. As I mentioned above, one of the reasons we end up getting nowhere is not because we don’t want it enough, but because we haven’t yet identified the root of our immobilization.
1. What am I trying to accomplish?
In order to find momentum, you must first have a goal and an outcome in mind. Here are some questions to think about: What exactly am I trying to do here? What do I want? Why do I want this? How will I know when I’ve accomplished my goal? Can I imagine the separate steps I will need to take? What would it mean for me to achieve this? Can I envision what this outcome would look like? How would it change or influence my life, my thinking, my identity, and my relationships?
Now, you might think this is a bit existential if all you’re trying to do is find motivation to fold your socks or make a new friend at work. In any case, the questions above are meant to help you break this goal down into separate steps and distinct phases. According to research, it is helpful to imagine the outcome you’re hoping for (and hold that in your mind throughout the task) rather than thinking about worst case scenarios, convincing yourself why you shouldn’t do it, or imagining yourself failing at it.
2. Why am I feeling stuck?
We don’t just avoid tasks, we avoid feelings about tasks. With that in mind, it’s important to be honest about how we’re feeling. Emotional honesty is shown to be an effective way to help us move through the tunnel to reach the other side. When we don’t acknowledge how we’re truly feeling, we’re more likely to stay stuck in patterns of rumination, resentment, and overthinking. When we’re stuck in these similar patterns of unhelpful thinking, our brain learns that its not ready to move forward with the task.
This means it is helpful for us to label and address the feelings that are at the root of our stagnation and stuckness. There is likely a feeling (or set of feelings) that drives our need to conserve energy, freeze up, slow down, and shut down. In order to mobilize, our nervous system has to feel safe, confident, and equipped to move forward. Otherwise, our nervous system has a built in way of holding us back and keeping us from progressing into doing something that seems uncomfortable, dangerous, or unsafe. Acknowledge the feeling that drives the stuckness. When honouring how we feel doesn’t seem to be working, it might be important to approach the situation while feeling whatever you feel. You might have to do it while feeling afraid, uncomfortable, anxious, worried, frustrated, blank, and frozen.
3. How do I get unstuck?
The truth is that there are many strategies out there in order to find motivation and get going. One of the challenges I see people struggling with the most is being unable to separate thinking and doing. We often assume that thinking always leads to doing and overthinking always leads to action. Sadly, this isn’t the case. Knowing more and thinking more does not ensure we’ll be able to find motivation. Thinking about what we want out of life does not guarantee that we will find our way forward.
Instead of banking on willpower and thought alone, it is helpful to have a plan. This is the best strategy I can share to build new habits, achieve a goal, find motivation to do something new or different, or find momentum in your life. Make a plan and stick to it. Sometimes we struggle to create the plan. Sometimes we struggle to stick to it. Sometimes we don’t like the monotony of the plan. And sometimes the plan doesn’t make us feel satisfied or rewarded often enough. In any case, it is important to have a plan that you feel confident about.
Review: What makes a solid plan?
We can return to the core questions in order to develop a solid plan that you can feel confident in. Here’s how:
What am I trying to accomplish?
What is my vision or desired goal?
Why do I want to achieve this vision or goal?
Can I imagine myself accomplishing the task or is that difficult?
Why am I feeling stuck?
Am I having trouble starting, continuing, or knowing when the task or goal is complete?
When I imagine myself starting, continuing, or completing the task or goal, how do I feel?
What feelings are in my way?
What is my plan or approach for when these feelings come up?
How do I get unstuck?
What will I do when I encounter these feelings?
What strategies do I have in my back pocket for when these feelings arise?
What is my plan for getting unstuck?
Science-backed strategies
The following task mobilization strategies are backed by research on executive functioning (responsible for task initiation, social engagement, planning, organization, etc.). Stress also impairs executive functions so it can be helpful to consider the role of stress, anxiety, and other big feelings when you're feeling stuck.
Strategy #1 — Task Initiation
If you’re having trouble getting started, try The Two Minute Rule:
For shorter tasks: If it takes less than 2 minutes to complete, do it now. (Example: Washing one dish takes 30 seconds, so do it now).
For longer tasks: If it takes longer than 2 minutes, do it for 2 minutes and stay doing it for the first 2 minutes. Time yourself. Once we get going, we usually end up finishing the task. (Example: Start folding laundry with a 3 minute song playing. See how much you can get done by the end of the song).
Time yourself doing the tasks you struggle initiate to get a sense of how long these tasks actually take. We usually overestimate how long it takes and underestimate our own ability or pace.
Strategy #2 — Staying The Course
If you’re having trouble continuing the task and staying the course, try Habit Stacking:
Pair one thing you do not enjoy doing with something you enjoy doing. For example, listen to a podcast while folding laundry. Listen to your fave music while washing dishes. Reward yourself after vacuuming. Go for a walk while having a work call.
For longer tasks, try stacking habits or goals you’re already doing or good at doing with ones you want to achieve or get better at. For example, wash a few dishes while your coffee is brewing. Have a glass of water while listening to the radio. Tidy up some shoes while you’re waiting for kids to get ready. Call a family member while you’re walking home.
Strategy #3 — Completing Tasks & Goals
If you’re having trouble completing tasks and goals, try Chunking:
Break the task into three steps: Beginning, middle, and end. Write down the tasks you need to do at each stage of the process. If you're having trouble completing a task or goal, it might be because you haven't laid out what it will look like to complete it (maybe you've just thought about the beginning or middle of the task).
Chunking helps us break our goals down into manageable components so we can figure out what we need to do at what stage of the goal process. It is a way to organize information so our brain has an easier time processing the information, therefore increasing our ability to achieve it.
I hope that helps!
Take good care,
Jake
So very helpful, thank you, especially for me with the "chunking" concept, thank you!