Keeping up with appearances
It’s exhausting to pretend like everything is fine and perform as if you have everything all figured out. Sometimes the pressure to keep up with appearances is too much. Here's what we can do instead.
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Let’s be honest.
Keeping up with appearances is far from enjoyable.
It’s exhausting to pretend like everything is fine all the time.
It’s annoying to constantly perform as the person who has it all figured out.
It’s frustrating to feel like we have to conform to achieve a sense of belonging.
The burden of maintaining a facade of unwavering positivity, even when our true emotions and experiences don't align, can weigh heavily on us.
We find ourselves living in a world where adhering to norms we may not genuinely endorse has become the norm itself. The fear of standing out for the wrong reasons or being perceived as different might be entangling us in a cycle of having to maintain and keep up with appearances we don’t necessarily agree with.
Sometimes keeping up with the appearance is like wearing a disguise. As an obvious and well-known example, I think about the Groucho Marx style of disguise; the one with the black framed glasses, bushy eyebrows, a fake plastic nose, and a comical caterpillar-sized moustache (for those who are unfamiliar, it is also the reference and inspiration for the Disguised Face emoji—🥸). Just like when we’re pretending, performing, and trying to keep it all together, these disguises hide our true identities. The masks we wear conceal our genuine feelings and experiences. We wear these masks, not by choice, but often because social pressures and expectations force us into this act.
The more we cling to this charade, the harder it becomes to recognize the faces behind the masks, leaving us yearning for a space where we can finally remove these disguises and reveal our genuine emotions without fear of judgment or rejection. In the absence of these environments, the only choice we have is to keep performing and keep pretending.
Keeping up with appearances
Life, as we know it today, seems to be a constant performance. Whether it's a job interview, a social gathering, or even a simple Instagram post, we're constantly putting on a show. We smile through our fatigue, we laugh when we're not in the mood, and we’re encouraged to project an image of success even when we're drowning in self-doubt. We're frequently compelled to act as though we're thriving while many of us are struggling to survive and get by. Pretending to be unfazed by life's challenges, fuelled by changing social norms and ever-evolving expectations, is exhausting and incredibly isolating. It's like wearing a mask that conceals the authentic self, ultimately leading to a sense of disconnection from our true feelings and true experiences.
The pressure to hold it all together, and wear the mask that conceals our true experience, is an unspoken social expectation. From the moment we leave our homes, we're expected to be on our A-game. We need to look good, sound confident, and project an air of invincibility. We’re expected to keep our struggles private and not let anyone see us sweat. These same pressures, to look our best, always be smiling, and show up perfectly, are also true online. The need to present a flawless facade online only adds to the exhaustion of keeping up appearances in the real world. The pressure to conform to these standards often leaves us feeling like imposters in our own lives. We become trapped in a cycle of maintaining a facade while our true selves remain hidden.
Holding the facade together
The exhaustion to keep the facade in tact isn't just physical; it's social, emotional, and mental as well. Constantly suppressing our true feelings, fears, and insecurities for the sake of appearances takes a toll on our wellbeing. Pretending we have it all together when we don’t and being afraid to admit when we're struggling is part of being human. We fear being seen as weak or incapable because so many people believe that vulnerability is synonymous with inadequacy. Sometimes we feel like we have no choice but to build up a facade because it helps us from being seen as incapable or inadequate.
Beneath the polished social media profiles, the seemingly perfect lifestyles, and the crafted exteriors, there often lies a different reality. When we look around and see everyone else’s masks and facades they’ve built, we may start to believe that we're the only ones who aren't ~living our best lives~, when in fact, many others are experiencing the same thing we are. In that sense, wearing the mask and building up a facade is how we all perpetuate the cycle of unrealistic expectations, making it even harder to see ourselves clearly and notice when others are masking up.
Vulnerability, but in your own voice
It's important to remember that there is strength in vulnerability. For a long time, I didn’t really know what that meant. I used to think it just meant sharing honest feelings and admitting when you’re not doing so well. For a long time, I understood vulnerability as a concept, but never fully knew what it felt like to live it as a practice. It wasn’t until I started to embrace my own authenticity that I started to understand my own brand of vulnerability.
For me, vulnerability isn’t about sharing everything. It’s about knowing when it is best for me to be open and when it’s better for me to close up. It’s about knowing when I need to reflect on something privately and when I need to share something out loud. It’s about knowing when my reflections are becoming ruminations and it’s about knowing how to transform my worries and worst-case scenarios into moments of compassionate inquiry. Recently, I’ve started seeing vulnerability as a tool to connect rather than just something I need to do every time I feel uncomfortable.
Letting our guard down
Embracing authenticity means acknowledging our imperfections, accepting our struggles, and sharing our true selves with others. When we drop the mask and let our guard down, sometimes we find that the people around us are more understanding and supportive than we initially thought. When we boldly choose to live for ourselves, it gives others permission to do the same. This is a brave and vulnerable choice given that so many of us have been convinced that we need the mask and the facade in order to survive.
It's crucial to create spaces where we can be ourselves without judgment or fear of societal norms. Embracing our full authenticity doesn't mean wallowing in negativity but rather being honest about our experiences— both the highs and the lows. It means seeking help when we need to, expressing our true emotions with others, and accepting that life isn't always picture-perfect. When we let our guard down with the right people, we give them a chance to see us, to know us, and to disconfirm our worries about being inadequate and not being good enough.
Let’s reflect together
In my work as a therapist, someone who gets to see authenticity and vulnerability on display every day, I’ve come to notice something about this desire to keep up with appearances. We usually only stress ourselves out trying to keep up with appearances if we believe that it would be awful, embarrassing, or even shameful to be seen as someone who can’t keep up the appearance. It might be helpful to reflect on, or write down your answers to, the following questions:
What would it mean for me to be seen as someone who can’t keep up with appearances like everyone else?
What would it say about me if I made the decision to stop keeping up?
If I had the choice to give this up, would I want to?
If I didn’t have to be like everyone else, who would I be and how would I act?
If I didn’t have to pretend that life’s a breeze, how would I show up?
Closing thoughts
Keeping up with appearances, pretending like life's a breeze, and conforming to cultural norms we don't agree with can indeed be tiring. The pressure to hold it all together and maintain a facade can take a significant toll on our wellbeing, especially if it’s one of the invisible drivers of our frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. It's essential to recognize that vulnerability and authenticity are the proven antidotes to this exhausting cycle. Embracing our true selves, with all our strengths and vulnerabilities, not only frees us from the pressure to keep up but also enriches our lives with genuine connections and a deeper sense of fulfillment.
When we understand ourselves better, we not only alleviate the burden of pretending but also pave the way for more genuine and meaningful connections with others.
The truth is, we need each other. But we don’t need to give in to this pressure to keep up with appearances.
Flaws and all,
Jake
Things I’m noticing this week:
A new book I recommend: Never Enough by Jennifer B. Wallace is about “toxic achievement culture” and the pressure to achieve, perform, and be perfect at all costs. I see this first-hand in my therapy practice. I am glad Jennifer is talking about it!
A fascinating article in The Journal of Pediatrics about the decline in independent activity as a cause for the growing mental health crisis in kids (Gray, Lancy, & Bjorklund, 2023).
An article I enjoyed reading called What Adults Forget About Friendship by Rhaina Cohen. I’m really looking forward to her new book about friendship, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center.
Another article I couldn’t stop reading (listening to!) was Elon Musk’s Shadow Rule by Ronan Farrow; a chilling look into the power and influence of tech billionaire Elon Musk.
An album I keep revisiting: Carrie & Lowell by Sufjan Stevens. A staple set of songs for when I need some chill writing music.