Let yourself take up space

Living beyond our edges and making room for our own growth and expansion. Letting ourselves take up space; bravely, compassionately, and unapologetically.

Last week, one of my clients said, “sometimes I feel like such a waste of space.”

There are many ways a therapist can approach this statement. Some therapists may be inclined to explore the root of this belief by exploring how a client came to believe that. Some therapists may take a more direct approach and suggest an alternate thought. Some therapists may be quick to validate an emotion underneath or simply state the opposite— “you are not a waste of space.”

Being compassionate

I tend to default to the compassionate approach. When we soften our assumptions about ourselves, something inside of us shifts. We start to see a new way of relating to ourselves. Compassion is a strong force that helps us speak to ourselves in new ways. Compassion helps us see layers of life and possibility we haven’t seen before. It helps us iron out the creases that have been pressed into our belief system for far too long.

This client knows I often take the compassionate road. We have a joke about how annoying and hard it is to be compassionate, especially when our angry emotions want us to think other things. In those moments, compassion is the last thing we reach for and the first thing to cause an eye roll. And still, this client knows the power of compassion.

For context, this client of mine was feeling shame about not being able to put themselves out there — “like they should be able to,” — after all they’ve experienced this year.

They said it again. “Yeah, sometimes I just feel like such a waste of space.” This time, I noticed something I don’t usually notice. The statement is already a compassionate statement. I saw their compassion for themselves living in one word.

“Sometimes?” I asked.

They continued, “yeah, sometimes I just want to close up and never show myself again.” They said the word again. Sometimes.

I paused and then said “I’m curious about your use of the word sometimes. You sometimes feel like a waste of space?” They paused for longer than I did. Softly, they said, “Yeah… I guess I don’t feel that way always. It’s only sometimes, you’re right.”

“No, you were right,” I said. “Those were your words. Compassion was waiting there for you to notice it all along. Sometimes we just need to pause and slow things down.”

These are the little (big) therapy wins that remind me just how powerful we are. This client left our session with a new view of themselves, a new felt experience for what can be true, and a new word to put in their back pocket for discompassionate times. Sometimes. Powerful stuff.

Being unapologetic

I think we can all relate to the experience of this client. There is a certain realness and relatability to the fear of being a waste of space and the wash of shame we feel for taking up too much of it.

Shame often keeps us focused on our need for permission. We convince ourselves that we are undeserving of taking up space. We feel like we need permission to have needs. This happens at work, in families, in friendships, and in relationships.

Being unapologetically free is about releasing ourselves from the need to seek permission. Many of us grew up thinking we need permission, approval, and supervision to do the things we want to do or live the life we want to live. Living without apologizing for being who we are is scary. It keeps us trapped in cycles of approval-seeking and permission-needing.

When it comes to being ourselves, there is no permission slip necessary. The only signature on the slip should be yours. We do not need the authorization of others to take up space as our true selves. You do not need permission to take up space.

Being brave

The world will tell you who you are until you tell the world who you are. Others will tell you who to be until you claim your rightful space as your own. This requires courage and bravery, especially in a culture that doesn’t help us believe that we are still worthy of belonging while we are claiming our individuality.

When the shame and fear pile on, we may simultaneously feel the urge to shrink ourselves and play small. Engineering smallness gives us a cloak of protection from being seen, being identified, being noticed, and being witnessed. Feeling unworthy of taking up space — in conversation, in relationships, and in life — stems from the denial and rejection of our inherent worth.

Growing up, some of us did not have caregivers, we had care-withholders. When we are raised in a home where love and warmth are withheld, we come to believe we do not deserve it. When we do not receive the love, warmth, attention, and care we need to grow as little humans, we come to develop a limiting self-belief that our true nature is to be small, quiet, and without needs. We learn that we are undeserving of emotional space.

In order to claim and reclaim our space, we must bravely accept that we deserve to have it. This takes time, practice, and the courage to live a bigger existence. Even though “being bigger” makes it seem like you have to take big steps, we live a bigger existence by doing less, making small changes, and embracing little moments. This is the paradox of taking up space: in order to expand the emotional space you take up, you have to take the smallest of steps.

Making a splash might make you feel like you’re covering a lot of ground in your effort to take up more space. But smaller ripples will have a bigger impact than large tidal waves. Over time, you can stack smaller moments on top of one another to create the space you deserve. In so doing, you will not have to rely on big performances, grand gestures, or huge moments of taking up all the space in order to have the impact you want. You do not have to be a big person in order to take up a big amount of space.

Here’s to reclaiming our space as an act of reclaiming ourselves,

Jake

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Weekly Practice

Every week, paid subscribers will get access to the Weekly Practice.
Each Weekly Practice includes practical strategies to help you move the needle.

This week, I’m sharing two strategies to help you take up the space you deserve: