Letting go of expectation

You thought it was going to be one way, but something else happened instead. You really wanted something to happen, and another thing happened instead. Moving through setbacks & disappointments.

Listen to me read this article below:

Many of us keep high expectations. We set high expectations for ourselves. Some of us have high expectations for our family members, partners, and friends. And some of us create big hopes and dreams for the future, even when the probability of them happening remains low.

The origin of expectation

Many of us were raised to look on the bright side, to keep hope alive, and to see the potential. Over time, we became experts at practicing this skillset— and perhaps even for situations that don’t require any hope or any expectation. In our own positive thinking and optimism, we want what’s best. And to avoid pessimism and negative thinking, we want to avoid failure, setbacks, and disappointments.

We are taught about expectations in our families. We are taught what to make and take seriously, what to strive for, and what to value. We learn to have expectations from the people that have expectations of us. In a way, our expectations come to operate like different rule-sets. We have rules and expectations that govern the way we should think, how we should feel, and how we should act. We also might come to expect others to think, feel, and behave in accordance with these rules.

Setting ourselves up

Many of us have a habit of setting ourselves up to feel joy, excitement, hope, and happiness. This comes from a good place; the place inside of us that wants us to feel good and to live a life we can be proud of. Sometimes we have a habit of making decisions that don’t line up with what’s possible. Our expectations can sometimes cloud our better judgment and prevent us from being present and honest with ourselves.

We may be setting ourselves up for disappointment when we practice unrealistic optimism or jump to unrealistic conclusions. We build expectations for ourselves in order to try and predict the future and predict how we’re going to feel. We set expectations high in the hopes that it will make us feel at our best. However, we may unknowingly set ourselves up for frustration if we try to control outcomes that are not for us to control. The harder it is for us to control an outcome, the harder we may try to keep hope alive and keep our expectations high.

Over time, many of us have learned to have no expectations so we don’t have to face disappointment. We lower our standards, tolerate walking on eggshells in relationships, and we abandon ourselves because having expectations for others is far too disappointing and disheartening when those expectations are unmet. This leaves us operating at the extremes; have high expectations and be constantly let down or have zero expectations and therefore no needs.

Matching expectations with reality

One of the challenges we face is in the scaling of these expectations;

Am I allowed to want this?
Is it realistic to expect this of others?
Do I deserve to have these needs and expectations?

A hard part about adjusting our expectations is accepting that we cannot control or predict every outcome. It’s hard to match our expectations with reality when we don’t have a sturdy grasp on what’s possible and what we deserve out of life. In relationships, whether it’s with our family, friends, or partners, open communication allows us to compare our expectations with those of others. Being honest about our expectations for others is difficult, but it is necessary to keep relationships healthy and forward-moving. When we are unclear about our expectations, we may leave ourselves more prone to disappointment and resentment.

The best way to keep it clear in relationships is to talk about what expectations are realistic to hold of one another and what expectations should be loosened. Different relationships require different expectations. And some relationships will have us naturally adjusting our expectations out of love, trust, safety, and balance. And conversely, some relationships might force us to hold on to our expectations when we are better off letting go of them.

Letting things play out

When it comes to expectations, it is sometimes easier to have high expectations than to have none at all. Having expectations keeps us hopeful and sometimes it also helps us avoid the truth of a situation. When our expectations are too high, it might also be a sign that we’re trying to control something that cannot be controlled. Having unrealistically high expectations can prevent us from accepting the truth of what’s in front of us. Managing high expectations is a lot more comfortable than managing grief, fear, and disappointment.

Instead of holding on to unrealistic expectations, sometimes it is best to let things play out and let them happen organically. Letting things be what they are without trying to change them or fix them is really hard work. For some of us, letting things play out can feel a lot like surrender or inaction. That’s a difficult feeling for the person who has benefitted from positive thinking and keeping hope alive amidst hardship. We can easily forget that doing nothing and releasing control does, at times, work in our favour.

Many of us were taught to make it happen rather than to let it happen. Letting things happen by lowering our expectations does not make us weak. It does not mean you have less control either. If anything, it leaves you better able to control yourself rather than trying to control a situation with hope, expectation, and this desire to make it all happen. Growing up, you may have had to force outcomes in order to feel good. You can still feel good when you’re not fixing or forcing it.

Stop “should”-ing yourself

One of the things that keeps us locked in expectation comes from thinking about things how they should be, rather than accepting things how they are. Sometimes we feel like we have to or we should do something, despite what’s in our best interest.

To let go of expectation, you might try reframing the have to’s and the should’s into something more compassionate. Consider this example: If you’re applying to a job, it might be hopeful and encouraging to build an expectation that you’ll be successful. This may be a healthy motivator. Now, consider the same job application with the belief of I have to or I should. “I have to be able to beat everyone out,” or “I should or I have to be the successful candidate or else I’ll be upset,” becomes an ultimatum on your worth, facilitated by extreme expectations.

A more compassionate framing of the job search might be to conclude, “I really want the job and I know I’m going to try my best. I will be happy if I get it and, you know what, I’ll accept it if I do not.” This response allows you to adjust your expectations and your emotional response with the cards that you’re dealt. You do not have to let go of expectation completely, but it might be helpful to let go of your highest ones.

How to worry well

If you do not worry well, you’re going to get stuck in the worry well. Worry can often keep us stuck in cycles of expectation. It may cause us to overthink about future outcomes and may make it harder for us to adjust our expectations. It may be helpful to take stock of your worries and consider if your worrying is productive or unproductive.

When we worry, we are either worrying about things we can control or things that we cannot. We can think of it as two forms of worry:

1. Productive Worry

Productive worry is when we worry about things that we can control. Productive worry is more hopeful and might encourage us to take action, change our behaviour, or adopt a new approach to a problem. It’s the type stress that helps us generate a solution or find motivation. We are engaging in productive worry when we focus on the aspects of a problem that we can realistically control or manage without becoming overwhelmed.

For example, let’s consider a presentation at work. We may think, “I hope my presentation goes well!” Though we cannot predict the future, we can control aspects of the situation surrounding the presentation; our breath, our thinking, and our preparation. It may be productive to worry about this so you can align your behaviour with your expectations.

2. Unproductive Worry

Unproductive worry is when we worry about things that no individual person can realistically control; things outside our internal locus of control. Unproductive worry produces more stress than we need to confront or resolve a situation, keeping us stuck in a cycle of worry.

Worrying about things we cannot control makes us feel like we’re in control. The paradox of unproductive worry is that it makes us feel like we’re doing something instead of nothing. It makes us feel like we’re solving something rather than idling passively. Unproductive worry is counterproductive because it is not real problem solving and generally keeps us stuck. Unproductive worry can also cause us to assume the worst case scenario. You can guess what catastrophic thinking does to our expectations, eh?

Back to the presentation at work: we may think, “I hope my boss approves of my new idea and I hope people don’t judge me if I fumble over my words.” You can see how this form of worrying and expectation-making is unproductive; it is worrying about something you cannot control and it sets unrealistic expectations for the situation. When we engage in unproductive worry, it usually sets us up for disappointment and discouragement, especially in the event that things do not meet our personal rules and expectation.

Rules, Regulations, and Personal Standards

In some instances, unproductive worry might set us up to have unfair and unnaturally high expectations for ourselves and of others. Worry can generate a form of stress that keeps us rule-bound and inflexible to change. Having rules and regulations is important for maintaining structure and personal standards, and those are an important way we keep our boundaries and integrity in tact in relationships. And there are also times when rules and regulations need not apply. Sometimes it is better to drop the rules, regulations, standards, and expectations. Sometimes it is best to replace high expectations with a more compassionate standard of care; one that allows for wiggle room, for grace, and for flexible thinking.

In any case, you’ve come to expect things of yourself and others. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Holding to your personal standards shows you care. And sometimes it is in our best interest, for the sake of a relationship and for our own wellbeing, to free ourselves from expectation.

Releasing ourselves from expectation in order to go with the flow might just be the most compassionate thing we can do when life comes crashing down on us like a tidal wave.

It is one thing to expect calm waters and another to be able to ride the waves.

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday season to those who celebrate,

Jake

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Things I’m noticing this week:

• This new study by Common Sense Media, a trusted source for everything social media, tech, parenting, and digital citizenship: How Girls Really Feel About Social Media.

• The Case for Banning Children from Social Media by Jay Caspian Kang for The New Yorker.

• I chatted with my friend Jeanene Wolfe on her podcast, Colleague Down The Hall, about social media, modern stress, and how it’s changing therapy. Listen to the episode here.

• Today marks two weeks of doing a morning cold plunge (10 minutes submerged up to the neck in ice water). I am amazed at the benefits— I feel less stress, clear-headed, and calm. Win!

• Reminiscing on my time as a speaker at the Thrive Summit in Costa Rica back in February. These photos just came in from Michael and Brooke of Allen-Kent Photography— my new personal paparazzi photo team. ;)!