Releasing the need for control
Unraveling the control paradox— how we manage our fear of not having control by trying to gain more of it. How to release our need to be in control and let go of our tendency to control others.
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Listen while you read:
Picture yourself at a windy beach with a close friend of yours.
You’ve planned a day of fun and sun, but there’s just one problem. Your vision of a sunny beach is slowly being ruined by the windy weather. The day you planned in your mind is not the day you’re currently experiencing. You start to feel frustrated and you begin to complain about the weather. You wish you had more control. You can’t stop thinking about how much you wish the weather was sunny. But you’re determined to not let the wind ruin a day with your friend.
Trying to overlook your frustrations, you remember that you’ve brought a kite with you. Thinking more optimistically, you grab the kite and take it for a whirl. At first, you hold onto the string tightly, fearing that if you let go, the kite will be lost. But as you gradually release your grip, allowing the kite to soar, you experience a mixture of emotions. There's the initial anxiety and worry, similar to the fear of losing control, and then there’s the rush of happiness in watching it fly.
Yet, as the kite dances freely in the wind, you also continue to notice something. You notice the sense of freedom and independence that it achieves. You realize that by slowly letting go, you grant the kite the chance to explore its own path. The experience becomes a delicate balance between holding on and releasing your grip.
As seen in the examples of wanting to change the weather and trying to control the kite, the innate human desire for control can get the best of us, even in the more manageable situations. As humans, we try to manage our lives, our surroundings, and our futures, striving for a sense of stability and predictability. We may even try to control other people or falsely assume that we have the power to make decisions for them. Trying to control our surroundings and control other people might just be another way we try to control how we feel inside. Exerting control makes us feel more in control.
But why though?
Understanding our urge to be in control at a deeper level is a crucial step to changing our ways. Human beings are wired to fear the unknown and to seek safety and security. This innate fear often drives us to exert control over our environment in order to feel more safe and secure. In other words, many of us develop a desire to control outcomes or evolve to control others as a way to master our environment and reduce uncertainty. High expectations and the pursuit of perfect can also lead to an incessant need for control. When we set unrealistically high standards, we attempt to control every detail to meet these standards.
For some, experiences of trauma, hardship, and loss can also make us more hypervigilant. These experiences may make us more likely to exert control as a way to prevent future harm or discomfort. We take control of the outside environment to control how we feel inside. Lastly, I think our fast-paced, technology-driven world has intensified our desire to have all the information and to always be in control. We’ve developed this hyperactive need to manage and control every aspect of our lives, from work and relationships to our physical appearance and social media presence to other people’s perceptions of us.
Trying to control everything
Trying to control everything is stressful and exhausting. At the core of it all, I wonder if we try to control outcomes and control others because we’re afraid of not having any of it. We fear being out of control and we fear losing it completely. Here’s the great irony that stems from our fear of losing control, which might also explain why we do it altogether: We attempt to cope with our fear of losing control by seeking to gain more of it. This is called The Control Paradox, which highlights the phenomenon that, at times, the more control we exert, the more out of control we feel.
The Control Paradox describes the contradictory nature of our attempts to gain control over our lives. It manifests when our desire to control becomes so overpowering that it leads to increased anxiety, stress, and even a loss of control in certain aspects or other areas of our lives. In essence, we try to manage our fear of being out of control by trying to get more of it, only to find ourselves feeling more overwhelmed and out of balance. This can be detrimental in situations and in relationships where such excessive control is not necessary.
Going back to the beach…
The analogy of the kite at the windy beach and controlling the path for others draws a clear parallel to the consequences of excessive control. When we tightly grip the kite string and try to dictate its every move, we may indeed have a sense of immediate control and direction. However, this can often lead to backlash and resentment in relationships, akin to the kite struggling against the constraints of our grip.
People, just like the kite, have an innate need for personal freedom and autonomy. When denied the opportunity to figure out their own path, people naturally resist and fight for their independence. It’s the same social reflex that gets activated when we feel trapped in relationships or are being forced to do something we don’t want to do. Just as the kite yearns to dance freely in the sky, individuals seek the freedom to navigate their lives and make their own choices. When we recognize and respect this, we foster healthier relationships and personal growth, which allows us all to exist freely without the weight of excessive control.
Overcoming our urge to control
Working through The Control Paradox lies in the fact that true emotional predictability doesn't come from controlling external circumstances but from cultivating inner resilience and adaptability. By trying to control everything, we may actually create more emotional instability because we cannot control the world and other people's choices indefinitely. True wisdom lies in granting others the freedom to be themselves, think as they will, and act according to their own path. After all, we can’t control others and we don’t have control over every outcome.
In order to overcome our urge to control, we should remember that life is inherently uncertain. Uncertainty is not always a sign that discomfort will occur. Sometimes uncertainty is an opportunity to pause, reflect, and let go. Letting things be what they are without trying to control or change them is hard work. The ache of relinquishing control, and embracing the uncertainty of others making their own choices, can be a profound source of grief. It often stirs feelings of vulnerability, as we expose ourselves to the unknown outcomes of their decisions. There can be moments of anxiety too, as we grapple with the uncertainty of whether they will choose the path we would have preferred. Simultaneously, there may also be a sense of liberation, recognizing that by letting go, we are fostering autonomy and growth in those we care about.
From control to collaboration
Alright— ultimately, this journey encompasses a mix of emotions and thoughts, ranging from fear and apprehension to hope and the profound realization that allowing others the freedom to choose is an essential part of nurturing relationships and personal development. It highlights an important aspect of achieving change too, which is that the best way to influence others and support them to achieve new outcomes is to collaborate with them instead of trying to control them.
Here are a few things you can do to move from control to collaboration:
1. Practice self-reflection: Recognize your controlling tendencies and the triggers that fuel them. Reflect on the underlying fears or insecurities that drive your need for control. Increasing our self-awareness can pave the way for positive change by helping us see ourselves and our patterns more clearly. The best place to start is by owning your behaviour and owning your role in a dynamic. If you’re stuck, consider this question: “What must it be like for other people in relationship with me when I am trying to control?”
2. Communicate openly: Initiate a conversation, as uncomfortable as that may be, about your reflections with your partner, your children, your family members, or your friends. Acknowledge the patterns you’ve been a part of in the past and discuss your desire to shift towards collaboration. This is an opportunity to seek their feedback about the impact of being in relationship with you.
3. Practice being present: Mindfulness, empathy, and active listening are cornerstones for effective collaboration. Communicate with the people you care about and then practice active listening to genuinely understand the feelings and perspectives of others. This paves the way for compromise and joint decision-making. From there, you can work towards changing behaviours that negatively effect others.
Trying to shape the river
Attempting to control others in situations beyond our reach is somewhat similar to an effort of trying to shape the course of a river with our bare hands. While the attempt to shape the flow of things may be genuine, a forceful hand can easily lead to undesirable outcomes. When we endeavor to control people's choices or reactions that are inherently beyond our control, we may inadvertently strain relationships, erode trust, and ultimately fail to achieve our intended outcome.
Just as a river's course cannot be redirected at will, people's thoughts and emotions and actions often remain beyond our grasp, necessitating a shift from control to collaboration for more effective and harmonious interactions.
The next time you feel the urge to exert control, it may be helpful to remember this: You can’t control every outcome, you can’t control other people, and the only thing you can control with certainty is yourself.
Take care this week,
Jake