Secrets keep us sick
How to be emotionally honest, courageously vulnerable, and authentically ourselves in families and relationships that taught us to stay quiet, private, scared, and silent.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
This is a familiar phrase to those in recovery from alcohol addiction. It is based on the notion that we remain unwell when patterns of behaviour go unnamed, unnoticed, and unchecked. Though this phrase originates from Alcoholics Anonymous, it is a concept worth discussing in a broader context for its connection to how we decide what we share out loud and what we keep inside.
By the time we are age two or three, we learn how to speak. We learn to speak by observing, mimicking, and copying the sounds of others around us. As we get older, we learn what gets talked about and what doesn’t. We observe what our caregivers are comfortable with and what they’re not comfortable with. And we learn how, and how not, to solve our problems by watching others solve, or not solve, theirs. Our families are the first to teach us about trust, honesty, and follow-through.
Our families are also the place where learn about how to be loyal and how to keep our family’s secrets.
Better out than in…
As a therapist, confidentiality is an essential part of my work. I hold space for people’s deep feelings and I am the keeper of their personal and family secrets. When it comes to secrets, one of the fears I hear often is “what people will think of me if they knew the truth?” That one doesn’t get easier to hear, just given how relatable it is. We keep this worry alive in our minds to protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and rejection. Whew, I can relate to that. Worrying about what others will think helps us maintain the status quo and keeps us from speaking the truth. I can relate to that too.
Speaking our truth with an empathetic witness gives us relief. It lets us know that we are not alone and helps normalize the reactions that contribute to our discomfort. It eases the tension we feel inside and helps us see a new way forward. Being emotionally honest about our experience helps us release the weight we’ve been carrying, whether it is a deep personal secret or a skeleton in the family’s closet. Put simply, it is better to get it out than it is to hold things in.
Why do we hold things in?
Our family of origin shapes who we are. We handle our emotions the way they were handled by others. We talk about our problems when we hear others talk about theirs. We speak to ourselves the way we were spoken to. We keep quiet because others do. And, even when these things are true, we are wise to remember that we can still speak the truth despite how much truth has been spoken.
Many of us grew up in homes where the truth was never spoken, it was only yelled. Many of us grew up in homes where feelings were not shared openly, they were only suppressed or shoved away. To that end, many of us didn’t know how others around us were feeling or what they were thinking until they were already screaming or giving us the silent treatment.
Yes, this sounds extreme. And these are some of the secrets kept behind closed doors. This is confusing for kids, which reinforces the childhood belief that it is far too confusing to be talked about or spoken out. We keep it quiet and private.
Many kids saw their parents handle their emotions in one of two ways: keep everything in or let everything out. When it comes to emotions, a lot of families function at these extremes. It can either be a household with highly reactive, aggressive, or scary behaviour or it can be a household that operates in stealth mode, with extremely quiet and private ways of navigating a problem. Some families have both of these qualities and some families stick to one extreme.
In any case, both of these households operate under two unspoken rules:
At all costs, do not share or show how you’re really feeling, and;
Do not talk about the family’s secrets outside of the family, or risk the consequences of shame, blame, and punishment.
These two rules alone will keep families trapped in cycles of secret-keeping.
Breaking the cycle of secret-keeping
If you’re reading this, and you’ve gotten this far, it likely means you’re looking for a way to break free from patterns of silence and secret-keeping. First, you must know that it starts and ends with you. You are in the driver’s seat here, meaning it is up to you to decide if telling the truth is something you want to do. Though it is not mandatory, know that there is some relief on the other side of truth-telling simply for the benefit of setting a heavy secret down. Even though you’re strong, you do not have to keep carrying it. Even though you’re independent, you do not have to keep doing it alone.
While I cannot promise it will be consequence-free, truth-telling can also shine a spotlight on the patterns of behaviour that need to be illuminated. Choosing to be brave and talk about your experience, however you may choose to do it, sends a strong internal message to your nervous system about what you’re willing to tolerate or endure. Speaking the truth about your thoughts, feelings, and memories may make others upset, but it will also set you free. One of the main reasons we keep things quiet and private is because we are worried that telling the truth will create unhealthy family relationships. If there are things left unsaid, there might already be dysfunctional dynamics at play. Telling the truth doesn’t create problems, it reveals them.
Patterns of secret-keeping do not just create unhealthy family relationships, there is some evidence to suggest it keeps us sick too. It is normal to weigh the pros and cons of being emotionally honest about your situation, but it does not have to be normal to be ill and unwell as a consequence for keeping everything all bottled up. If you need the permission, let this be your invitation to repair or repattern a cycle of family secret-keeping. As a now-adult, you do not owe anyone allegiance or protection, especially if they haven’t demonstrated an allegiance or protection towards you. You owe it to yourself to be a cycle breaker. You are already breaking generational cycles just by being here and being curious about your situation.
There is a crack in everything
By now, I hope you see that most families have secrets and keeping things quiet and private is how many families operate. The late songwriter Leonard Cohen reminds us that everything and everyone has flaws. In his legendary song Anthem (I love this version of him speaking and performing live in London), he encourages us to “forget [our] perfect offering.” I love that.
Cohen reminds us that we all have cracks, which is how the light gets in. I had the privilege of visiting the Leonard Cohen exhibit in Montréal a few years ago, which was incredibly grounding and reshaping for me. I’ve loved his music since I was a kid, and his line about forgetting our perfect offering to let the light in always stuck with me. I think he’s right— we don’t have to shelter-up to keep the light from getting in. There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in— and it’s also where the truth comes out.
Divine gifts, perfectly composed
This is a reminder that we can choose vulnerability to let the light shine its way into our heart. Vulnerability and openness do not make us weak (it makes us brave). Letting other people in does not give them more ammo to use against us (it deepens our relationships with them). Sometimes secrets keep us sick and other times secrets keep us safe.
In the words of Leonard Cohen, “there are sometimes these divine gifts which arrive, perfectly composed.” Know that it is your decision to hold your cards close or to show all of them and it is your decision to see vulnerability as a divine gift or to remain perfectly composed. You can do both.
As a wrap-up, here are a few things you should know when it comes to personal secrets, family privacy, and dysfunctional family relationships:
Secrets keep us sick. Secrets keep us stuck. And secrets keeps us safe.
We handle our emotions the way they’ve been handled by others. We can speak the truth despite how much the truth has been spoken.
You deserve to find freedom, peace, and relief. Give yourself this permission.
Sometimes our story is just for us. At times it is safer to keep it in.
Sometimes it is best to keep your cards close. You do not have to publicize your experience in order for it to hold truth.
Holding everything in is unhealthy. Find a space and place to process what’s been tucked away. Talk about your story by connecting with a friend, family member, or therapist.
Sometimes it feels like we’re protecting others by keeping things quiet when in truth it is keeping us stuck in cycles of an unhealthy relationship pattern.
Sometimes telling our story isn’t enough. Sometimes we need to transform our story by staying brave, rewriting parts of it, updating our personal narrative, or moving ahead in relationships, with or without others.
The moral of the story? Secrets keep us sick and they also keep us safe. There’s a reason why you have or have not shared the most vulnerable parts of your story. Forced sharing is not real sharing and you get to decide who has earned the great privilege of baring witness. And if your secrets have only been shared with the pages of your journal or have only been talked about with a pet, you can still find healing, peace, progress, and relief.
There are many ways to tell the truth and release a secret.
Healing is for all of us,
Jake
Things I’m noticing this week:
TikTok CEO Shou Chew testifies before Congress about the future of TikTok in the U.S. (Something that stood out to me was the stat that TikTok has 150 million U.S. users, which is half of the U.S.!)
This op-ed in the Washington Post about what parents can do about social media and its impact on teen mental health.
This on-the-nose article in The New York Times about how therapy language is taking over the landscape of dating.
A moment of self-celebration: I’m diligently working on a book proposal, with the hopes of my writing reaching a wider audience!
Be sure to check out the latest episode of my podcast below, where Simon & I chat about Self-Diagnosis and the emerging conversation about their validity.
You’re pretty incredible as well, Jake.
Such relatable, digestible, implementable information.
Thank you!
I’m a bit of a new fan of Cohen’s, on the lookout for writings from/about him.
Thanks so much for sharing the London performance ❤️❤️❤️