Some problems have no solution
Embracing the messy truth that there is not always something to fix, solve, correct, perfect, or redo. Some problems do not have a solution-- there are only paradoxes that we manage.
It is easy to get caught in the trap of believing every problem has one solution. Some problems have no solution, which is a difficult reality to face. And some problems have no solution because they have several. It is rare that problems just have one solution. For some, this is reassuring, and for others, this causes some stress. And, truthfully, I get that.
Earlier this week, I was watching Esther Perel’s talk at SXSW 2023, The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy. If you know the therapist-me, you’ll know that I practice and write at the intersection of wellbeing and modern technology. I was so excited to see Esther Perel covering this important topic. I am always interested to see how others frame these issues by weaving in their clinical approach with their cultural relevance. I agree with her conclusions that technology is reshaping human behaviour and changing how we relate (I agree with that!).
The thing that stood out to me the most, and something I’m still thinking about, was something she said in her set-up. I suggest you go watch the full talk, but if you don’t, let me summarize it for you: Someone created an AI bot of Esther Perel by taking her podcast clips and training the AI to speak, think, and problem solve like she does. She was discussing her fascination with this while balancing the concerns about ethics and the automation of therapy. Her conclusion was that artificial intelligence might be reinforcing a reliance on artificial intimacy, which keeps us at arms length from each other and causes us to lower our standards for others we communicate with virtually.
One of the human problems that AI will not be able to help us “solve” is the very notion that life is dynamic, spontaneous, ongoing, and deliciously reciprocal. That’s what it means to be human. In other words, an AI bot is trained, via inputs and outputs, to mimic human-like behaviour but its major flaw is that it cannot detect nuance and practice relational discernment.
In her set-up, Perel surfaced a deep knowing for me. This deep knowing wasn’t a comment about artificial intelligence or technology’s impact on how we connect. It was a knowing about the human condition that I, prior to hearing it, didn’t have words for.
Here is what she said:
“Much of life’s challenges are not problems we solve, they are paradoxes that we manage.” Esther Perel
This is the true, deeper reason why AI won’t solve our problems: because there is nothing to solve. This quote from Perel married two of my deep beliefs: that there is no solution to being human and that many things are true. Our work, if we even need to call it that, is about managing paradox.
Let me say that a different way— without language around work and management: The very nature of being human is such that we are made to face and embrace paradox. The good with the bad. The old with the new. The past with the future. The hard with the soft. The heavy with the hopeful.
This is hard work. And there’s an ease to it which reminds us about the simplicity of human nature. When we analyze what it means to be human, there is a deep complexity to be found. And when we zoom out, we are reminded that living a good life can be quite simple; get good sleep, drink enough water, move your body, be kind in your expectations, stay present, be around people who make you feel good, and don’t throw good things in the garbage.
If you’re with me in sitting with the paradox, you’ll see that the last sentence above is full of paradox. These are easy solutions that take years and years of practice. They are easy in theory and hard in their application. They are easier said than accomplished. This is the paradox we manage: Embracing that there are no quick fixes and by acknowledging the simplicity in solutions. They are surprisingly difficult to remember in the moment and, there they are, living right under our nose.
Straddling tensions and living with paradox is tricky, but it reminds me that multiple things can be true at once, even things that first appear to be opposites. This is one way we find nuance in something that appears to be black and white. It is how we embrace different perspectives in situations that seem so absolute. It is also how we soften and slow our pace when something seems urgent and serious.
Life is rich with paradox. I love the artwork above by Haranikala, which reminds us to exist slowly and softly. In our fast-paced culture, living a slower life is not just something we do in opposition, it is somewhat of a revolution. I also loved Susan Cain’s book, Bittersweet, which explores these very tensions. She reminds us to “remember the linguistic origins of the word yearning: the place you suffer is the place you care.” She goes on to suggest that we hurt at the same time we feel love and care. “Therefore,” she writes, “the best response to pain is to dive deeper into your caring.”
Managing paradox is difficult work, especially if you grew up in a family that taught you to react instead of respond or taught you to live in the land of black and white rather than to embrace the full spectrum of colours. Sometimes it is easier to see things in their simplest form. It is easy to make assumptions and it is easy to see the negative in a challenging situation. It takes courage and discernment to view things as layers rather than hang on to one slice of the cross-section. It is easy, but just because it is familiar does not mean it is the only way.
Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to let many things be true. We desperately want things to be done our way because it means we get to be in charge and we don’t have to change. There is not just one way to do things. There are many ways. There is not just one solution. There are many solutions. There is not just one problem. There are layers of a problem that require a different approach.
Seeing things as one-dimensional makes us feel certain. In a fear-based culture, certainty is a sought-after currency. When we feel certain, we feel in control. When we feel in control, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we are not guided by fear. Seeing things as one-dimensional makes us feel like we’re not being led by fear. It makes us feel like we’re in control of it.
Sometimes the only solution worth pursuing is the one that we find in a paradox; the one that forces you to straddle the tension between two opposing truths; the one that validates each layer; the one that stretches you to new heights and new distances; and the one that forces you to confront the messy middle.
Yes, two opposing things can be true at once and we can also integrate our opposites into the fuller picture of who we are.
There is still possibility in a paradox.
Jake
Things I’m noticing this week:
Liz Earnshaw’s new Substack, The Balancing Act, all about modern relationships. Congrats Liz!
This song by Cian Ducrot: I'll Be Waiting (Live w/ Royal Northern College Of Music Student Choir). On repeat!
These important two articles about being a boy online today: What does it mean to be a boy online in 2023? and Too many young men are failing online.
This article in The New York Times: A Psychadelics Pioneer Takes the Ultimate Trip. Amazing!
A new episode of my podcast, This Isn’t Therapy: “Thinking isn’t doing.” A must listen if you love funny banter between friends and some practical tips for turning your thoughts into actions.