Sometimes you need to let go
Some notes for those who have been clinging on for too long or have been holding on for dear life despite it being unhealthy for them to do so. Practical advice for those trying to let go of control.
If you relate to the experience of needing control, you’re in good company here.
I’ve been a member of The Control Club for as long as I remember. I like knowing things in advance, I like being in charge, I like making lists and sticking to them, and I like having control over my thoughts and feelings.
One of the jobs we take on as members of The Control Club is to guess how others are thinking and feeling and anticipate how others might behave. Another thing we do as A+ students of The Control Club is to try and control the weather, no matter what the forecast predicts or what the weather is actually doing. If it’s raining, make it sunny. If it’s snowing, make it stop. If it’s storming, keep the peace.
It is much easier (that is, more calm and relaxing) to spend time controlling things than it is to focus on the things we cannot control.
There are a few things I’ve learned from trying to control everything:
Gripping the steering wheel tightly doesn’t make the car drive smoother.
Trying to control what other people think of you doesn’t deepen your relationship with them nor does it allow them to know you more deeply.
Control only offers the illusion of calm, peace, relaxation, and safety.
When you’re trying to control everything, you’re actually controlling nothing.
Sometimes we try to control what’s going on around us as an attempt to control what’s going on inside us.
Why do we hold on?
I think about why we hold onto things even when it’s not healthy for us to do so a lot. I think about the parents who are holding onto their kids and grieving while they’re growing up. I think about the spouses who are trying to make their relationships work by forcing feelings or holding out for things to change. I think about the siblings or childhood friends who hold onto past selves or hold onto memories from the past.
We hold on because we want things to be different, we want things to change, or we want more control than we have. Holding on makes you feel like you’re still in control. We tighten our grip and adjust our fingers as an attempt to regain the hold and control we have over a situation. When you’ve been holding on for so long, sometimes we forget that we also have the option to let go.
Letting go is scary
It is scary, even terrifying, to let go. Letting go of control does not mean you’re giving up. It means you’re surrendering to the force that taught you to need control in order to feel safe. Letting go is a process of letting life do the heavy lifting. The truth is you can hold a lot, which is likely why you do it. You can hold a lot and finding ways to fix, force, and control feels like you’re doing something instead of nothing. Losing control feels terrifying to those who have needed it for long; control has become a part of you but it is not all that you have to offer. And just because you can hold a lot doesn’t mean you have to continue to force things that don’t fit or try to make things work that aren’t working for you.
You’re likely holding on because you want control. Whether you want control over the outcome or control over how it will feel for yourself or someone else, remember this: you don’t have as much control as you want.
Every process of letting go also comes with a process of letting things be what they are. There’s grief in that. And you will decide how much to let go of. You will decide when and how you will do it.
There is freedom in being able to give up the need for control, no matter how good it makes us feel. Whatever it is you need to loosen your grip on, whether it be an outcome you’re waiting for, trying to force plans with a friend, or heck, even trying to control a partner’s choices, remember this: You cannot control others. You can only control yourself. There’s grief in that, too.
An incredible thing happens when we loosen our grip and release our need for control. We become free. We become free to make our own choices, be our own person, and use the energy and strength we’ve been using to hold on for other things— for adventure, for flexibility, for noticing more, and for living more fully.
Letting go doesn’t have to be a big shift either. You could let go of a story you’ve held onto that no longer serves you, you can drop your shoulders from your ear lobes, you can soften your pace and adjust the rhythm or speed at which you move, you can argue less and let go of your need to be right, or you could just loosen your fists and unclench your jaw when you notice them tighten.
There are many ways to let go. In fact, it’s okay to let go. Give yourself permission to loosen your grip and only hold on as long as you need to. While holding on might feel safe or necessary in the short term, holding on too tight could be making things worse in the long term.
To letting go,
Jake
Great article and explanation of what it means to let go and why it is hard. We all want to feel safe and avoid feeling helpless. Our attempts to control the outcome of a situation or the actions of another person are attempts to avoid the uncertainty and unpredictably of life.
The harder we try, the more frustrated we get because we cannot actually control anything except our own actions. Our actions don’t always produce the results we want, either. Letting go is accepting that and learning to go with the flow and adapt to life as it is as opposed to how we want it to be.