Striking the perfect match
Shining a spotlight on the gamification of modern dating-- hook-up culture, dating apps, situationships, and how swiping for love is changing the future of relationships, marriage, and families.
This week, I’m diving deep into the ever-changing landscape of modern dating apps and their profound impact on our ability to connect, relate, bond, match, marry, and mate. As a therapist, I’ve seen how the modern dating landscape has made it more challenging to navigate through life’s inevitable ruptures. The world of dating has transformed drastically, and as we embrace these rapid changes in technology, it’s important to acknowledge the challenges they present too.
When choices overwhelm
In our quest to find the perfect match, I wonder if dating apps are fulfilling their promise— to make dating fun, accessible, and available to everyone. Dating apps have expanded our dating pool, but I also wonder if they are shrinking our ability to work through ruptures, thus contributing to the rising rates of relationship separations. Despite the abundance of choices, people often find themselves feeling disconnected and unsatisfied. Constant choice-making may also be overwhelming our ability to discern and decide what we truly need. I have often wondered if the abundance of choices makes it less appealing to work on our relationships; if it’s not going how we want it to, there’s a thousand more people to choose from.
“Couples who met online through dating apps had a higher likelihood of breaking up.” (PNAS, 2019).
There is some science that backs up this hypothesis. According to a study conducted by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) in 2019, researchers found that couples who met online through dating apps had a higher likelihood of breaking up compared to those who met through traditional offline methods. The study revealed that the vast array of choices presented by dating apps may lead to increased dissatisfaction and difficulty in maintaining long-term commitments.
Loneliness in the age of dating apps
The American Journal of Preventive Medicine published a study in 2017, indicating that increased use of social media and dating apps is linked to higher feelings of social isolation and loneliness. The study suggested that virtual interactions cannot replace the emotional depth and connection that comes from face-to-face interactions.
In this digital era, we find ourselves surrounded by virtual connections yet plagued by feelings of loneliness. That really concerns me. While dating apps are designed to bring people together, they may also be inadvertently isolating us. Excessive screen time and the lack of face-to-face interactions may be leading to shallowness in connections, making it more challenging to forge genuine and meaningful relationships. Dating apps are starting to become more game-like, with objectives, rewards, and checkpoints that signal our value and worth, all while making the experience feel fun, joyful, and rewarding. The gamification of dating has turned love into a game. The result? A generation of daters who are becoming more and more addicted to the dating game.
Being single is hard
In a world where dating apps offer seemingly endless possibilities, the pressure to be in a relationship can be overwhelming. The fear of being single can push individuals into unhealthy relationships or "situationships"— ambiguous partnerships lacking commitment or clarity. This pursuit of companionship at any cost can hinder personal growth and self-discovery, leaving people unfulfilled and emotionally drained. The competitive nature of a dating app environment also creates unhealthy relationship expectations, makes it normal to blow people off, and incentivizes poor communication.
A survey conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2020 found that 60% of single adults in the United States had used dating apps or websites. While these platforms offer opportunities to meet potential partners, they can also contribute to the social pressure to be on the apps. A re-norming of dating culture, if you will. This pursuit of companionship at any cost may lead individuals to compromise their values, settle for unsatisfying relationships, and abandon their own personal goals.
The rise of hook-up culture
The advent of dating apps has also fuelled the rise of hook-up culture. While casual encounters can be liberating for some, they may leave others feeling empty and disconnected. Genuine emotional bonds may take a backseat in this culture, resulting in an increased difficulty to establish long-lasting, committed relationships. In a hook-up culture, relationship skills may be prioritized less, especially if the hook-up is more meaningless and transactional than a genuine relational experience or an authentic exploration of self.
Research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy in 2018 explored the impact of dating apps on sexual behaviour and found that those who frequently use dating apps reported higher levels of casual sexual encounters. While some individuals may find a more casual encounter fulfilling or less intimidating, others may experience feelings of unworthiness, shame, and life dissatisfaction.
Modern technology, attention, and finding digital balance
Dating apps are not the only culprits impacting human connection. The constant presence of smartphones and heavy technology use have also altered the way we engage with our friends, dates, partners and the world around us. The need for instant gratification and constant distraction can lead to emotional neglect and reduced emotional intelligence. For a lot of daters, the lack of connection isn’t the result of too many ruptures— the lack of connection is becoming the cause of them.
In a study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking in 2020, researchers highlighted the importance of mindful online dating practices. Participants who approached dating apps with intentionality, honesty, and genuine interest in forming connections reported more positive dating experiences and higher relationship satisfaction. I think there’s a lot to be said for the fact we each get to decide how we use these apps and technologies.
Finding balance harmony
Dating apps have created a new norm for dating. Young people are getting married later, having kids at a later stage in life, and seem to be following what researchers call a slow life trajectory. Just because it’s different or new doesn’t make it bad or harmful. As with all things, we should be mindful about how these apps make us feel, think, and behave. It’s important to remember that dating apps can also serve as a tool for genuine connections when used mindfully.
Here are some things you can do to find harmony in your relationship with dating apps:
1. Limit Screen Time: Balance your online interactions with real-life connections. Face-to-face interactions make relationships extra juicy! Make an effort to engage in activities that allow you to meet people face-to-face.
2. Know Your Values: Clearly define what you seek in a relationship and don't compromise on your core values to fit someone else's expectations.
3. Communication is Key: Engage in open, honest conversations with potential partners about your intentions and desires for the relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to say what’s on your mind over a message, so try to go outside of your comfort zone and communicate face-to-face.
4. Practice Mindful Dating: Be present in your interactions and try not to rush into decisions. Take the time to get to know someone beyond their digital persona. Give yourself permission to at your own best pace.
5. Embrace Vulnerability: Building emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. Be willing to share your true self with others.
6. Seek Support: If you find yourself struggling with the impacts of modern dating, consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist.
While modern dating apps offer unparalleled access to potential partners, they also present challenges that demand careful navigation. By fostering self-awareness, mindfulness, and genuine connections, we can reclaim the beauty of human intimacy and thrive in the digital age.
Love and relationships are a journey, which means it is essential to strike the perfect match with intention and an open heart.
With thanks,
Jake