The kids who talk like adults
The case for a slower childhood to help kids congruently meet their developmental milestones. Why we need to resist adultification amidst pressure for kids to think, speak, and act like mini-adults.
Listen to me read it here:
I’ve been wanting to talk about a population of kids who I’ve become increasingly concerned about: The kids who talk like adults. These are the kids who present with an authority and maturity wise beyond their years; they articulate their thoughts and feelings in a manner that often leaves adults astonished. These kids are often called “old souls” or “mature for their age.” They may also be known as “precocious” or may even struggle to relate to same-age peers.
In my line of work, we see a similar phenomenon in families called parentification, where kids take on caregiving roles for siblings and assume emotional or practical tasks in their family that are not developmentally appropriate. These are the kids who do the whole family’s laundry at ten years old, they bring their younger siblings to soccer practice at twelve, or they consistently find themselves consoling a parent as a teen. These kids are said to be parentified. But I’m seeing these patterns extend beyond parenting roles. Some kids today are adultified.
Today’s kids are growing up in an environment vastly different from previous generations. The rapid influx of information and exposure to adult concepts via the internet has led to a concerning phenomenon, where children can intellectually grasp complex ideas and articulate them fluently but lack the emotional maturity and life experience to navigate them effectively. The result? A population of adultified kids who know a lot about being an adult, but don’t have the practice or skills to cope with their impending adulthood.
The gap is widening
As a therapist, I've observed firsthand the consequences of this disconnect between cognitive development and social-emotional development. An increasing number of kids can use feelings-language but don’t have the felt experience to connect with it. These kids can talk about their experience using feeling words, but don’t have the emotion regulation skills to help them work through it. In a way, this has resulted in a batch of kids that can intellectually understand that humans have emotions, but have not yet developmentally met their social and emotional milestones.
In my view, this has resulted in a gap between cognitive-behavioural development and social-emotional development. In other words, there’s this group of kids who present like mini-adults. Well, they talk and behave like adults, but they seem to lack the developmental capabilities that enable them to regulate their big emotions and turn distress into decision making. They think, talk, and act like adults, but don’t have the social finesse or emotion regulation skills of one. And this is for good reason! They’re still kids.
Here’s my concern…
I think this presents a unique circumstance for parents and their kids who talk like adults. Since these kids don’t cause much worry or concern for parents, some adults may view them as more capable than they actually are. And since they present as verbally confident, mature, and smart, some adults may hold them to higher social and emotional standards than what they are ready for.
The pressure to be more like adults while simultaneously being shielded from the responsibilities and experiences of adulthood creates a dissonance that is both concerning and perplexing to me. Children are bombarded with adult concepts through the internet and social media, exposing them to new ideas and situations far beyond their years. Yet, they lack the life experiences and emotional resilience necessary to process and comprehend these complexities fully. This is why it’s complicated for me to think about giving young people access to smartphones and the internet.
What’s the big deal?
There’s actually a part of me that relates to these kids. I was the kid that was reading books about adults ideas like the stock market and farming livestock. I was also bored by scripted family sitcoms and was drawn to reality shows where real people were sorting through real issues. I think social media captures this population of kids who want to understand the world they’re living in and are hungry for more information about these big adult ideas. I don’t think this is a problem as long as kids remain grounded in their own realities and have relationships with people to help them sort through these big ideas.
While it’s true that some kids are more intellectually ahead and some kids have brains that help them succeed in academic and social environments, the downside to this pattern is that these kids are more prone to being silently stressed, hyper-independent, and burnt out in the later years of life. While these kids present well, we should remember that it’s not their job to have it all figured it out and they don’t need to talk or behave like adults to gain approval, attention, and affection. Even though there are obvious benefits to being seen as capable, it’s important to remember that cognitive development lives on a separate plane than our social and emotional development. Just because these kids present well doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling in other areas of development.
The smart kids who can’t cope
The heightened environmental stressors faced by children today, like those they constantly encounter online, only exacerbate this issue. Offline, they are confronted by adult discussions about economic instability, societal pressures, and complex family dynamics, which all contributes to the increase in stress and pressure today’s kids are experiencing. When the brain perceives an increase in environmental stress, it gets the message that it needs to change and quickly adapt, which leads to a rapid pace of development that may outstrip a child’s ability to cope effectively.
Consider, for instance, the impact of social media on the younger generation’s perceptions of adulthood. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok offer a curated glimpses into the life of an adult, often showcasing this seemingly complete picture of the adult experience, anything from immense suffering to incredible success. In both circumstances, and with everything in between, what they see fails to convey the accurate realities that accompany adulthood, leaving children with unrealistic expectations and a skewed understanding of maturity and what it means to be an adult.
Similarly, the internet exposes children to a wide array of information, much of which may be age-inappropriate or emotionally distressing. From news articles detailing global tragedy to viral videos depicting violence and crisis, today’s kids are confronted with a type of reality that their developing minds may struggle to comprehend. Without proper guidance and support, this exposure can lead to heightened anxiety, desensitization, and a sense of disillusionment. Together, this may be making kids feel more frozen than they are focused on moving to the next stage of development. Unfortunately, a high intellect and a perception of maturity will not necessarily prevent or mitigate the emotional impact.
The case for delaying childhood
The kids who speak like adults usually become the adults who didn’t get to be kids. They become the adults who missed out on their childhood because they felt the pressure to be seen as good, mature, and capable. These kids usually feel a pressure to be more like adults while at the same time feeling terrified to become one. This highlights the paradoxical nature of modern childhood, where children are expected to mature quickly into adults but feel ill-equipped to handle the social and emotional demands that come with adulthood.
At this time, I strongly feel as though we must resist this temptation to accelerate childhood and instead let kids be kids. This will help level-set their development by making their cognitive, social, and emotional growth more congruent. This gives kids more time and space to explore their emotions, develop resilience, and build meaningful connections with others at a slower developmental pace. It also means they won’t have to rely on this false sense of maturity to appear all-knowing, to gain the trust of adults, or to be seen as capable and good.
Letting kids be kids
I hope this sheds some light on what I feel is a forgotten population of kids. I hope it’s also a reminder of the complex nature of development and how sensitive kids are to environmental demands. I’ve been tracking this phenomenon lately, this whole kids-who-speak-like-adults-thing, and I’m noticing that they also display features of Peter Pan Syndrome, where they present as smart and mature but are terrified to grow up and grow older.
As a therapist, I advocate for a more balanced and more integrated approach to childhood— one where we help kids meet their developmental milestones congruently instead of giving them attachment rewards for acting like adults.
It may sound confusing or strange to hear that I’d be worried about the kids who speak and act like adults, especially since they are less likely to give us trouble. However, these are the kids who are trustworthy enough to own a smartphone early and are vulnerable enough to be taken advantage of for being seen as beyond-their-years.
I firmly believe that when we address the underlying factors that drive premature maturity, we give kids the opportunity to thrive socially, emotionally, and psychologically in the future. I think it’s important for us to remember that there is a significant difference between a child’s chronological age and their developmental stage.
Put simply: Kids are not adults, even when they think, talk, and act like one.
Take care,
Jake
Hi How should we help them be at there level after they have been exposed to so much?
Really good