The pursuit of endless bliss

Chasing the “fantasy feelings”— the state of always being calm, confident, cheerful, and in control. Why the pursuit of endless bliss doesn’t produce the feelings and lasting results they promise.

In a way, I think we’ve come to expect too much of ourselves.

Growing up, we’re sold this idea that being calm, confident, cheerful, and in control is what makes you a capable adult. This is especially the case for the kids who don’t see the adults around them make mistakes, have bad days, or struggle to overcome something challenging. These are the kids who see a polished version of adulthood and therefore don’t get to see the whole picture.

But it’s a bit of a pendulum, right?

When kids don’t see the adults around them struggle, they get this rosey view of what it means to be an adult. They don’t learn that it’s normal to feel discomfort, experience hardships, and have a tough time. They may assume that being an adult always feels good. For some, when the pendulum swings in the opposite direction, towards the side of only seeing hardship without resolve and too much openness about struggles without an example of the problem solving process, that can be hard for kids too. So, there’s a balance to strike between being honest about the struggles we experience as adults and being thoughtful or intentional about the struggles we share.

In my work with families, I often find parents straddling this line. I see them trying to have hard conversations and model vulnerability while trying to figure out what types of problems are developmentally appropriate for kids to be exposed to. This is not an easy line to draw. At some point, parents either give up on finding the line altogether or they find comfort and certainty through the creation of rigid rules. In both cases, they embrace the edges of the pendulum’s swing, resulting in a hardline approach to parenting which suggests that things have to be all-good or all-bad.

When we don’t strike that balance or when we get stuck on one side of this pendulum between things seeming all-good or all-bad, kids start to assume that things are either perfect or they’re not good enough. This shows up in the collective thoughts, feelings, and behaviour of the family. The people who see all-bad yearn for things to be better and the people who see all-good internalize the pressure to keep it that way.

This week, I wanted to talk about something that happens when the pendulum gets stuck on one side and when we internalize the message, as kids or adults, that life is supposed to be filled with endless bliss. Sometimes I wonder if we’ve lost the plot, especially since we seem to be in this constant pursuit of pleasure and quest to always feel good.

We’ve internalized this expectation that things should be all-good, and if they’re not, that means they are all-bad.

This is simply not true.

Now, you might be thinking, “Don’t we all want to feel good?” or “What’s so bad about wanting to experience more pleasure?”

Yes, the desire to pursue pleasure and move towards satisfying rewards is a mechanism that has helped the human species survive for centuries. However, it has been the obtainment of rewards that has enabled our survival, not just the endless pursuit of them. In other words, it is the production of real rewards, like food, water, shelter, and a group, not the production of chemical rewards, like trying to feel calm and relaxed all the time or chasing happiness on a smartphone, that allows our species to progress. Being stuck in a constant pursuit of rewards, without ever actually obtaining any of them, is not good for us.

At the heart of this pursuit lies the influence of pleasure molecules, particularly dopamine. This neurotransmitter, often dubbed the “feel-good” chemical, plays a central role in our desire for pleasure and reward. Dopamine is released in response to enjoyable experiences, creating a powerful reinforcement loop that propels us to seek out similar pleasures repeatedly. As a result, we become entrenched in a cycle of chasing pleasurable moments, perpetually in pursuit of the next hit of dopamine.

Fantasy Feelings

The constant pursuit of pleasure often leaves us grasping at fleeting moments and quick hits, failing to deliver lasting contentment and, for many, that desired state of endless bliss. The constant chase leaves us trapped in a cycle of pursuing what I call the “fantasy feelings”— a constant blissful state of being calm, confident, cheerful, and in control. Our belief in the promise of fantasy feelings further intensifies our desire for pleasure.

These emotional states, while aspirational, are often impractical to achieve given the complexities of everyday life. Striving exclusively for these idealized states becomes a Sisyphean task, a task that is impossible to complete, since life will inevitably introduce challenges that disrupt the pursuit of perpetual bliss.

Left: Sisyphus, punished to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity, inspires the phrase "Sisyphean Task" to reference a task that is impossible to complete. Middle: Sisyphus, oil on canvas by Titian, 1548–49; in the Prado Museum, Madrid. Right: Jason Adam Katzenstein's cartoon titled "So Why Am I Still So Unhappy?"

The Pleasure Paradox

Delving deeper into the neurochemistry of pleasure, the dopamine-driven pleasure-seeking mechanism reveals an interesting paradox: While dopamine provides momentary pleasure, the brain adapts to repeated stimuli, requiring an escalating level of stimulation to achieve the same pleasurable effect. This phenomenon, known as dopamine tolerance, results in a pleasure paradox and explains why the pursuit of pleasure becomes an insatiable cycle, leaving us perpetually dissatisfied and in constant pursuit of it.

Let’s map the pleasure paradox onto this notion of fantasy feelings. It’s not just quick-hits of pleasure we seem to be chasing. We also seem to be chasing the experience of feeling calm, confident, cheerful, and in control, which feeds into the illusion that a state of endless bliss is practical and possible.

I’m interested in a more sustainable approach to well-being.

Fantasy feelings, given their aspirational quality, have this way of capturing our imagination and fueling our pursuit of an idealized emotional state. Pursuing a state of constant calm, for instance, promises a peaceful and tranquil mind untouched by the chaos of daily life. Practically speaking, achieving such a state consistently is challenging, given the inevitable ups and downs of life.

Acknowledging the aspirational nature of fantasy feelings is not a dismissal of their significance. It is an invitation to embrace the natural flow of our everyday emotions. By recognizing that moments of serenity, confidence, cheerfulness, and control can coexist with moments of challenge and discomfort, I think we can build a more resilient, intentional, and authentic emotional landscape.

Detaching from this desire

The relentless pursuit of pleasure and bliss is often shaped by cultural narratives that prioritize external markers of success and happiness. Social media, the latest trends your friends are following, and our cultural norms contribute to an environment where the constant display of curated joy becomes the benchmark for a fulfilling life. This cultural conditioning fosters a perception that genuine well-being is synonymous with chasing a perpetual state of pleasure. Hint, hint: It’s not.

We can detach from our desire for perpetual bliss by replacing it with a more authentic pursuit. One of the ways I help my clients break free from this desire to chase fantasy feelings is by building emotional awareness. Developing emotional literacy becomes paramount in navigating this cultural landscape as it involves understanding and expressing emotions effectively, recognizing that the spectrum of feelings encompasses both positive and negative experiences, and accepting that life has ups and downs.

I also find it helpful to recognize the limitations of only chasing pleasure and acknowledge the impossibility of sustaining a constant state of calm, relaxation, and confidence. Instead, a more balanced approach would be to recognize the importance of emotional resilience and learn how to embrace the spectrum of feelings that life has to offer, from all-good to all-bad to everything in between.

Rather than fixating solely on pleasure, I also find it beneficial to engage in activities that align with personal values and develop my own coping mechanisms for life’s challenges. The constant pursuit of pleasure, driven by the allure of fantasy feelings, may offer momentary highs but they really do fail to deliver lasting contentment, ease, and calm.

For me, this involves accepting things as they are rather than how I want them to be.

It involves accepting the uncomfortable emotions alongside the ones I prefer.

And it involves the bravest form of truth-telling that I can muster to acknowledge and normalize the fact that we all want to feel good and no one wants life to be all-bad, so we need to rely more on each other to untangle and unhook us when our pendulum swings too far in one direction.

The constant pursuit of endless bliss isn’t a dead end though. It’s a long road with no end, which might be even more concerning.

Our work is not to be in constant pursuit of the things that make us feel good, calm, confident, happy, and relaxed. Our work is to embrace all of it.

That way, we don’t carry forth this illusion that we should be calm when we are feeling angry; that we should just be confident when we’re feeling unsure; that we should be cheerful when we’re actually feeling sad; or that we should try to gain control when we simply have none.

It hurts when our only option is to accept. And, in a way, acceptance also has a clearing effect. It clears a path forward by allowing the anger, expectation, and hurt to exist on the same path, but in a different lane, alongside our creativity, freedom, and joy. It allows us to acknowledge what’s there without being led or controlled by it.

Acceptance over the pursuit of endless bliss.

That’s the recipe that makes the heart and hands healthy.

Take care this week,

Jake

P.S. I’ve been under the weather this week and my voice is not in a place to read the newsletter as I have been. Thanks for the feedback on the recordings— I’m always delighted to read how my work reaches you. I’ll be back at it next week.