We are wired for connection

In a culture that rewards individual thriving and encourages constant comparison, how do we feed our need for closeness and connection?

There’s this trend going around. Have you seen it?
There’s this new book out. Have you read it?
There’s this new health hack. Have you tried it?
There’s this great new restaurant I saw. Have you been to it?

To know these questions is to know the experience of modern connection as it bumps up against modern social comparison and social rejection.

“Have you seen that video where…” is a new language of connection. It is not just a way to share a laugh, it is also an assessment of how tapped in you are and whether or not you’re in on the latest joke and know the current lingo. This is no longer just the experience of the kid in middle school trying to fit in or the kid at school who doesn’t have a cell phone. It is the experience of the modern adult trying to keep up in the age of the internet.

It’s like we’re back in middle school.

There’s a reason why social comparison makes us feel like we’re back in middle school again. It’s because the social self develops in middle childhood, which is a key period in our social and emotional development. These are the ages where we learn how to take perspective, relate with others, and form close social bonds outside of our family. As we age, the social self still remembers the emotional experience of being in middle school; it is vulnerable, confusing, and hard for many kids. In the early years, the social self is desperate to connect and fit in. We quickly learn about the fear, shame, and sadness associated with social rejection and isolation. As adults, these feelings return in seemingly small social moments— when we compare ourselves online, feel out-of-the-loop on something, or when our friends forget to text us back. Even as adults, we still feel the crushing weight of social comparison and social rejection.

As a therapist, I’ve noticed how the internet has changed how we relate and connect with one another. It changes how we make and keep friends. It changes how we argue. It even changes how we have fun. This is something I talk about a lot with my youngest clients. I’ve seen how constant mobile internet use affects teenagers and I’ve watched the social landscape shift onto social media. Group chats replace group hangouts.

Social media apps, and the devices we rely on to access them, are built to mimic and replicate the functions of our brain and body. This is how a few of them work: algorithms are meant to mimic the function of our nervous system, Snapchat is successful because it taps into our social nature and disappearing photos and chats resemble the fleeting experience of passing someone on the street, and TikTok uses our dopamine system to hack our attention and motivation system. In other words, many of the devices and apps we’re hooked on are most addicting when they exploit our base instincts, tap into our base emotions, and hack our base brain functions.

Here’s where I get concerned.

Constant reliance on the internet has serious and concerning impacts for how we relate with one another. As a social species, we require connection and social relationships in order to be healthy. When the wires of connection get crossed with the wires of comparison (for example, an algorithm only pushes you content that makes you compare and despair), we will have major difficulties connecting with one another. In a way, these apps put us all back in middle school again rather than steward connection as many of them originally promised.

This is especially concerning since algorithms, and our behaviour on these apps, decide what we see, how we think, and when we feel good. In the days before algorithms, we would seek out new experiences to expand our thinking or feel differently. Today, the algorithm does all that work for us.

Connection is in our nature.

We are wired to connect, relate, and take up mental headspace with other humans. The internet has changed the landscape of connection drastically. Now, I’m not one to feed a moral panic. I genuinely believe there is enough evidence to support the claim that the internet and modern technology are negatively impacting how we connect and relate. In my view, this has less to do with the physical distance it creates between us, and more to do with our perception of closeness (and the very real sense of disconnection and loneliness). The brain doesn’t need a real person in front of us to ignite our social engagement system and release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. We just need to sense, perceive, and believe that closeness is present and available.

One of the main concerns I have as a therapist is that passive social media use makes it feel like we’re connecting to each other and our environment more than we are. Constant social media use trains a narcissistic level of self-focus. It connects us to the catastrophizing and comparative self more than it leaves us open and available for social connection with others.

In a way, the feed on social media acts as a mirror. Like flipping through a magazine, scrolling through social media becomes a socially acceptable form of voyeurism where we watch others rather than engage with them and we compare ourself to others rather than connect with them. The result: We spend a lot of time staring in the mirror to see who society needs us to be. If we are too busy staring in the mirror, then what does that mean for our need for genuine closeness and deeper connections?

In many ways, our culture also encourages individual thriving. There is an unspoken competition to be the best, look the best, feel the best, and to do so without flaw. Not only is it impossible to thrive without close relationships, it goes against our very biology.

We are wired for connection. These are the findings from the field of interpersonal neurobiology, which reminds us that we do not have the wiring to thrive (or survive!) by ourselves. The allure of individual thriving is driven by social values rather than by our innate biology. The allure of individual thriving is that it promises uniqueness and personal success. Relationally, it encourages us to go rogue and forge our own path. That is helpful if you’re trying to win a race, but not in relationships. We need each other. There is no one who wins when we cut ourselves off from every relationship.

Individual thriving is sold as a modern quick-fix for our woes and “toxic” relationships. Instead of pursuing more self-focus, we are best to remain other-focused. Being other-focused allows us to feed our need for closeness and reject the myth that we should all pursue the unhealthy standards set out by the myth of individual thriving.

We were never meant to do it alone. We are not built to survive by ourselves. We need relationships in order to survive and we require diversity in relationships to strengthen our resolve, help us grow, and live a life that we love.

We need one another. I believe in us. I trust that we can all get there.