What it feels like to matter
Mattering is a core human need, but we don't talk about why mattering matters. This week, I'm bringing you the questions I ask my clients when I get the sense that they feel like they don't matter.
Listen to me read it here:
If you’ve been reading my work this past year, you’ll know that I’ve taken an interest in talking about our social health.
I’ve talked about the data before, but I think it’s helpful to summarize what researchers and clinicians like me are noticing.
There has been a significant increase in the number of people who have less than three friends and a sharp increase in the amount of people who have no close friends. Having no close relationships has a severe impact on our mental, physical, and emotional health, making it that much more important to address root causes. The decline in our collective social health is a major contributor to this problem.
As a social species, we need other people in our corner to be healthy and well. Group membership and being a part of a group is a core component of social health. With rising rates of loneliness, a decline in close friendships, and an increase in separation and divorce, it begs the question: Why is it so challenging to be part of a group?
I think there’s something to be said for the ways that technology is changing how we connect and relate, but I do wonder if that’s really the full picture. Technology has a way of disrupting our ability to connect deeply with others, but how?
In my therapy room and in my work with adolescents and families, I’m noticing a common thread that might explain why we’re feeling this collective malaise and experiencing social disconnection at concerning levels, which is a felt sense of mattering. Feeling like we matter to others is a central component of healthy relationships. When we feel like we don’t matter, we tend to feel invisible, rejected, and sometimes even unworthy of deeper connection. Feeling like we matter makes us feel seen, known, and worthy of close connection.
“It’s easy for nothing to matter to someone who doesn’t believe they matter.”
— Zach Mercurio
Mattering, or in other words, a feeling of meaningful significance, is one of our core relational needs, next to a felt sense of safety and a felt experience of belonging. Mattering gives us the social proof that we are noticed, significant, and needed. It goes without saying that this package of feelings is a necessary part of being in any relationship or group— whether that be with a partner, our families, in friendship, or at work.
This week, I want to peel back the curtain and give you a window into the types of questions I ask my clients when they report feeling disconnected, socially isolated, or without deep relationships.
The General Mattering Scale by Rosenberg & McCullough (1981) has long been used and referenced in research studies exploring the concept of mattering. The scale is broken down into five domains, each highlighting a different aspect of what it feels like to matter to others. They are: importance, attention, presence, interest, and reliance.
Here is a window into the types of questions I ask my clients and I invite you to ask these questions of yourself too:
Importance
How important do I feel to others?
Do other people invest time and resources in me?
Do others consider my needs important?
Do others provide me feedback for my own good?
Do people around me help me grow?
Do other people listen to me?
Attention
How much do other people pay attention to me?
Am I the object of other people’s attention?
Do people provide emotional support for me?
Am I recognizable to others?
Do people remember my name?
Presence
How much would I be missed if I went away?
Are other people aware of my presence?
Do people notice when I’m not there?
Is my presence known?
Is my absence felt?
Interest
Are people interested in my wellbeing?
Are other people interested in what I have to say?
Are others interested in what I’m doing?
Do people take genuine interest in me?
Do people ask me about my life?
Reliance
How much do others depend on me?
Do people seek my advice?
Do people seek resources from me?
Do people trust me to provide for them?
Do people value my contributions?
Do people trust me to be there for them?
In the pursuit of understanding the essence of mattering, it's crucial for us to recognize the profound impact it has on our lives. Feeling like we matter to others is not merely a concept— it's a lifeline to a healthier and more connected existence. When we matter, we feel valued and validated for who we are. This validation fuels our emotional well-being, nurtures our sense of self-worth, and empowers us to build deeper connections.
The good news is that mattering is not a feeling or experience that is reserved for a select few. It is an attainable quality of relationships that each of us can cultivate. We have the ability to bolster our sense of importance, attention, presence, interest, and reliance through deeper and more meaningful interactions with the people around us. By actively engaging in conversations that reflect these domains of mattering, we can rebuild and repair our social health.
You have the power to ask these questions not only of yourself but also of those you care about too .
Let these questions guide you on your path to a richer, more connected, and more meaningful life.
Take care this week,
Jake
Things I’m noticing this week:
The Mattering Movement | https://www.thematteringmovement.com
A fascinating article about the rise of MESH toys— toys designed to build Mental, Emotional, and Social Health: Amid a mental health crisis, toy industry takes on a new role: building resilience.
Does the childhood fear of being picked last explain our insecurities later in life? We Never Really Escape the Gym-Class Draft.
Lastly, I’ve been holding the experiences of those affected by the humanitarian crises and atrocities occurring in and between Israel and Gaza close to my heart. It’s a heavy time and, like you, I’m watching current events unfold while trying to make meaningful sense of it all. During these times, I try to remember that we all respond to crisis differently— some with a fight reaction, some with flight, and some with a freeze. In moments of crisis, we should remember not to let our empathy be replaced by our apathy.