When shame gets in our way
Being seen. Taking up space. Feeling like you have to prove yourself. Navigating ‘not good enough.’ Facing the discomfort of being washed in shame. Feeling shame and finding your way through it.
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“You should be so ashamed of yourself.”
I still remember when a teacher said that to me back when I was in primary school. I was being an impulsive, silly kid and pulled the chair out from under my friend as he went to sit down. He bumped his head on the desk behind him and started crying. Cue his cries, my shame, and her public display of disgust and disapproval.
This was my first taste of feeling shame and embarrassment in front of others. As a little kid, I didn’t foresee the impacts of my actions. The most confusing part for me was that even though he was crying, we resumed our friendship by afternoon recess. She kept bringing it up for weeks.
Did I ever pull a chair out from under someone again? No.
Do I wish to do it again? Nope.
Do I think there were other ways for her to teach the same lesson? Yes.
Using shame to teach
Shame is not a good teacher, though it has long been used as a way to control and influence other people’s behaviour. It’s a quick way to get someone in line and it’s an easy way to shape behaviour. Shame travels through families and is used as a go-to parenting practice. Shame-based parenting usually doesn’t teach the skills one may be hoping to impart and it does not motivate people to make a change. It usually just encourages people to feel bad about themselves. This keeps us stuck.
Some might say my teacher’s shame strategy worked— it stopped the behaviour. But is the goal to stop silly behaviour or is the goal to teach through relationships? I didn’t learn to be a kinder friend that day. I learned not to yell at people when they make a mistake. My friend’s bump went away, but that shame sat with me the rest of that school year.
Shame is not a good way to encourage prosocial behaviour because shame tends to linger. It might be an effective way to prevent antisocial behaviours from happening again, but it generally doesn’t inspire or teach prosocial ones. Shaming others usually leads to them feeling more shame.
One bite of the poison fruit
Shame is supposed to be uncomfortable. It’s the whole reason why it works. Shame is often referred to as “the poison fruit emotion,” as one taste of it will make you never want to experience it again. Shame is that powerful; one experience with shame can change the trajectory of your response when in a future, similar-enough situation. From an evolutionary perspective, shame gave people an advantage. It helped people remain a loyal part of the group and kept people in line. It prevented people from going rogue and kept the tribe strong. Shame is a social emotion, which means it is most heightened when our social standing or membership to a group is threatened.
At its core, shame is a fear of rejection. In its earliest form, shame was a fear of being kicked out of the tribe. Shame developed as a way to promote our survival need for belonging. In a modern setting, the risk of being rejected or kicked out of the group may not actually happen, but it is still the same threat packaging that keeps us activated in a wash of shame when we feel like we’re not good enough, when we’re called out, or when we feel like we don’t belong.
When we shame ourselves
Even though shame is a social emotion, other people do not have to be physically present for us to experience it. Sometimes we shame ourselves before others have the chance to. Sometimes we deny our need to belong and shame is activated to call us back to the group. Unfortunately, many people take feelings of shame as direct evidence for why they shouldn’t be allowed back in the group or as evidence for why they’re not enough.
It can sometimes be easier to shame and invalidate our truth than it is to validate and honour it. We may shame ourselves in preparation for what others might think or say about us. We shame ourselves in advance of real rejection. We shame ourselves instead of having to face the real experience head on. It is safer to feel shame than it is to face true rejection.
When shame speaks
Sometimes shame is loud and sometimes it is quiet. Sometimes it is subtle and sometimes it is right in our face. When shame speaks, it speaks in certainties and absolutes. Shame has a confidence that only quiets by being proven wrong time and time again out in the open.
Shame says: “Deny your truth in order to fit in.”
Shame says: “Deny your truth in order to appear normal.”
Shame says: “Don’t let other people see you struggle.”
Shame says: “Don’t let other people see your cracks.”
It also has a worried uncertainty which forces us to ask questions we will never know the answer to.
Shame says: “How does this look to other people?”
Shame says: “What will other people think?”
Shame says: “What would happen if other people knew the truth?”
Shaming people doesn’t inspire change
Sometimes we wrongly assume shame-based tactics will get people to do what we want. Shame doesn’t get people to change. It makes them close up. Relying on shame does not build trust and closeness. It breaks it. Shaming doesn’t make people want to be different, act different, or feel different. It makes them feel like they’re not good enough and it makes them feel like they don’t belong.
Sometimes we wish things were different. We desperately want others to change as a way to change how we feel inside. When other people won’t change and we want things to be different, that might mean we have to make the change. When we cannot force people to change, we have to change how we deal with them.
Change is inevitable
Even though we can’t shame ourselves or shame others into making a change, change is still possible. Change and transition happens every day; it is inevitable. Even without planning for it, we are always changing and growing.
Even the cells in our body have their own timelines and expiry dates. Red blood cells live for about four months. White ones, on average, live for just over a year. Skin cells only live about two or three weeks and sperm cells only a few days. There are so many parts of us that are in constant regeneration and they undergo big changes in order to begin again. For some, this change represents a rebirth and for others it is the end of a life cycle so a new one can begin. Sometimes we shame ourselves or shame others as a way to force change or to speed up the process.
Sometimes we apply shame because people are changing and growing too fast. Shaming ourselves and shaming others might just be another way we reinvent our desire for control in order to get others to stay close. Shaming others is a reminder that disconnection is looming. For some, shaming others is a warning sign that things are changing too fast.
Shame often gets in the way of building close relationships. It prevents us from knowing ourselves and prevents us from connecting with other people. It keeps us stuck in cycles of perfectionism and disconnects us from our true potential. Shame’s job is to keep us connected to the group and too often our shame keeps us disconnected from others.
Weekly Practice
For the next week, try this simple practice every morning and night to help you build self-trust and release shame:
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