Wishing things were different
Disappointment, dissatisfaction, and life regrets. Examining the brain's tendency to wander and long for a different reality. Navigating the struggle of wishing things were different than they are.
Listen while you read:
It’s normal for the mind to wander.
We’ve all been there.
It’s that feeling of constant yearning.
It’s common for our minds to be in another place.
But what happens when the mind seems to be in a constant state of wander, always seeking a different reality than the one we’re experiencing?
Like I said, it’s normal for the mind to wander. We make assumptions about situations and people. We perceive things to be different than they are. And we sometimes struggle to remember events the way they really happened.
These are all features of the brain’s capacity for thinking and remembering.
Our brains have this ability to call up information from prior experience in order to handle the situation in front of us. This is made possible through two separate modes, one that handles historical data from the past and one that manages the things happening in the present. Sometimes we struggle to make sense of what is happening and what is historical.
The brain has this unique ability to organize information from the past in order to help us manage the situation in front of us. For example, if we’ve driven down a road five times and hit a pot hole every time, we’re likely to remember its placement so we can dodge the oncoming pothole next time we’re on that road. The brain does not, however, have the ability to accurately predict the future. Going back to the pothole example, our brain remembers which potholes we’ve hit in the past but cannot predict, with accuracy, where future potholes will emerge.
But— the brain is a prediction machine. Since we cannot predict the future, the brain still makes guesses based on historical data and what’s happening in a given situation. If the road has historically been bumpy, the brain will learn to predict more bumps in the future. As you can imagine, this concept doesn’t just apply to the metaphorical bumps in the road. Our brain has developed the ability to engage in forward-thinking as a way to predict potential threats in order to minimize future distress.
Why does this matter?
Well, it turns out, our prior experiences and the situations we find ourselves in moment to moment have a heavy hand in shaping our reality. However, when our prior histories have been emotionally challenging or when the present moment produces discomfort and distress, the brain has a hard time using forward-thinking to make predictions. Forward-thinking becomes a foggy forecast.
Through the clouds, haze, and fog, the brain then has a hard time collecting and using data from the past to accurately inform present decision making. In order to resolve this coding and recoding problem, the brain spends a lot of time living in the future as a solution for seeking more reliable sources of data. In other words, the brain develops an “anywhere but here!” approach— which is a blend of “my past won’t guide me!” and “I have no solutions for this moment!”
Anywhere but here
So, where does that leave us? Well, it leaves us grappling with the complexities of our past, struggling to accept how things are in the present, and overlooking opportunities to take effective action in the future. It leaves us in a state of wanting and wishing. It leaves us in a perpetual state of desire, yearning for a different reality than the one we’re experiencing and wishing for a different life than the one we have. We start to think… “Wow, why is this happening to me? I really wish things were different. I wish I was anywhere but here.”
Now, some of you may be wondering how exactly this applies to you. Perhaps you've never literally thought to yourself, “Wow, I wish I was anywhere but here,” so I want to make this a bit more real life. For those of you whose emotions steer the ship, I'm referring to those feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and regret. As for my analytical thinkers, I'm talking about those moments when you assess your life and wonder if you’re truly heading in the right direction.
And, for all of us, here are some ways we may find ourselves wishing things were different, either by dwelling on the past, struggling to be present, or living too far in the future.
You may be:
Feeling unfulfilled with respect to your personal achievements.
Experiencing shame around unaccomplished or unattainable life goals.
Wishing you had pursued different dreams or passions earlier in life.
Struggling with health issues and desiring a different mind or body altogether.
Regretting past decisions and wishing for the chance to change them.
Longing for a different place to live or a different life opportunity, such as wanting to move, to travel, or to be physically in a different place.
Reflecting on your past mistakes and wishing they had never happened.
Longing for a more harmonious relationship with a family member or friend.
Struggling with the adjustment to a major life change, like divorce, retirement, or the loss of a loved one.
Wishing that a significant life transition had not occurred or maybe that it would have unfolded differently.
Feeling frustrated or sad about the state of the world, such as political conflicts, social injustices, or environmental issues.
Wishing for a more peaceful or equitable relationship or world.
All of these examples, regardless of how many you related to, are situations that fit into the “anywhere but here!” mentality we so often fall into when we’re feeling sad, regretful, unsatisfied, and disappointed. I think wishing things were different is one of those ways our brain tries to change our circumstance despite not being able to. Our brain imagines these other scenarios, perhaps ones where the problem or uncomfortable feeling isn’t present, to remind us of our own ability to take action when we need to.
The challenge here is that not every problem has a solution. And, quite frankly, not every problem or uncomfortable feeling needs one. Our brains really do try their best to help us manage each situation, and I completely understand that knee-jerk reaction to jump to conclusions and reach for more solutions.
But sometimes we forget that accepting and acknowledging how we feel is still a solution; accepting where we’re at still helps us reach a resolution.
Acceptance isn’t supposed to erase discomfort, nor is it meant to encourage you to fall flat and give up. When we’re in a state of wishing things were different, sometimes our only option is to accept that they aren’t. In fact, dwelling on these wishes without taking appropriate actions, like accepting things the way they are, can just lead to more stress and unhappiness.
When we want things to be different, we have some options. We can either accept things for what they are without trying to change them or we can try to change them by taking constructive action.
This is how we can replace our wishing and hoping and yearning with something more forward-thinking, like using the power of acceptance and taking effective action for when we wish things were different.
Using acceptance, here’s what that may look like:
“Oh gosh, I really wish things were different…”
“And… this is the way things are right now.”
Or it could look like:
“Ugh! I just wish I was anywhere but here.”
“And… I am here right now.”
Together, practicing acceptance and taking effective action may look like this:
“Ergh! I keep thinking, why is this happening to me? I really wish things were different. I wish I was anywhere but here.”
“Okay… deep breath… you know what, I really do wish things were different, but that’s not possible right now, which is frustrating to me. Reflecting on this problem, I can see that being frustrated is only distracting me from taking the steps I need to take. I really do want things to be different. And I can let myself be frustrated at the same time. Things are just not how I want them to be and I acknowledge and accept my role in making the change I want. I’m going to start with one small step. Something that will reduce my frustration and increase my hope is for me to…”
Now, you may be thinking this is easier said than done. That’s because it is.
When we want things to be different, we have to find the courage to take action or embrace our humility and accept things for what they are.
Take really good care this week,
Jake
P.S. If you or someone you know is a web designer, please get in touch! I am currently revamping my website. Email me! mswjake@gmail.com
P.P.S. And here’s a cute kitten GIF that makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy. The little cuddle arm is giving me everything!!!
