Worked up over "What Ifs"
What if this happens? Or what if that happens? Well what if this? What if that? A deeper look into the way we think and react in times of stress. What to do when you have a case of the "What Ifs".
Listen while you read:
It’s in our nature to worry.
It’s common to ask, “what if, dot dot dot?”
Our brains are prediction machines. They like to know what’s coming next and they like to secure a sense of certainty.
But what do our brains tend to do when things are uncertain or beyond our control? We try to get more certainty and control in the most efficient way possible— to react. In a way, our reactions are the brain and body’s best prediction or assumption about what it needs to do in a given moment. The brain takes in the information from our surroundings, sorts it, and then determines what thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are necessary for the situation.
Overthinking, wondering “what if”, and imagining worst case scenarios is the brain’s way of helping us figure out what to do, what to think, and what something is going to feel like. This is the brain’s way of putting on a dress rehearsal ahead of the real thing. It goes both ways too. Sometimes it is also a practice of revisiting what happened and replaying what we we did, thought, or felt. I think we can all relate to this.
But is it possible that the brain has its way of over-preparing us for potential dangers?
If this is true, I wonder if that means we are actually thinking way too much.
Sometimes I wonder if our thinking is outpacing our sensing, feeling, and doing.
Sometimes I wonder if our tendency to overthink is replacing real relationships.
Personally I think often and a lot. I know many of you do too. I have an active mind, which means my thoughts and my thinking take up a large part of my headspace, sometimes at the expense of being mindful, taking in my surroundings, or even holding attention and forming long-term memories. To have an active mind means that the inside usually has more energy and movement than what people see on the outside.
If your mind works like mine, sometimes thinking and worrying about the “what ifs” gets in the way of doing the things we want to do. In the biz, we call this monkey mind. Our monkey mind swings from branch to branch wondering… “Well, what if this happens? Well, what about this?” How about this? Then what if this happens instead?”
As a therapist, I’m trained to see patterns. But I’ve been seeing patterns and swinging from branch to branch long before my therapy training. I have my active mind to thank for that. (As a side note, there are benefits to this!)
Thoughts vs. Thinking
Let’s consider the difference between thoughts and thinking as a starting place to addressing our worries about “what if…”
Here’s the simplified difference:
Thoughts: They’re quick, automatic, and we don’t choose them. They’re often referred to as automatic thoughts. Thoughts are sometimes negative, which are usually called Negative Automatic Thoughts (or NATs).
Thinking: These are the thoughts we consciously choose or introduce. We use prior experiences to layer on new ways of thinking. Generally speaking, our positive and negative past experiences shape our patterns of thinking and belief.
So, why do we overthink?
The answer, no shocker here, is in our evolution. We developed the ability to think (and overthink!) as our species started to form language, complex forms of communication, develop socially, and collaborate on shared tasks. Thinking enables us to socialize, to connect, to predict future dangers, and to course-correct after we make a mistake. Overthinking is a byproduct of having to predict, amend, hustle, plan, repair, organize, and do things. The main problem I see with overthinking is that we get stuck in the thinking and ideating stage of actioning an outcome.
On a deeper level, it’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation. Emotions impact our thinking and our thoughts influence how we feel. This means that emotions and thoughts can both generate their own forms of stress-related overthinking. Fear, anger, and disgust appear to be among the many emotions that drive our tendency to overthink. Fear produces anxiety, worry, and dread. Anger produces rage, frustration, and resentment. And disgust produces shame, judgment, and criticism. All of these emotion families produce a host of thoughts and thinking patterns that keep us trapped in cycles of distress and discomfort.
Consider this exercise…
Notice these two patterns occurring inside of you:
When your thoughts influence how you feel.
When your emotions influence how you think.
And note the nuance in language I used in the above two.
~
Emotions feel and thoughts think.
“I want to do it, but I just can’t.”
The patterns of thoughts and emotions described above are some examples of why we may struggle to take effective action. We know we should do differently, but we still feel stuck, lost and confused. This is why knowing differently doesn’t always allow us to act differently; they are separate processes.
To action new outcomes, we can start by asking our unhelpful patterns of thinking to quiet down. From there, we can start to surface the key emotions that are keeping us locked up. There are many ways to do this, and sometimes simply focusing on emotions rather thoughts can be a good starting place.
In order to take effective action, we must do so by addressing the barriers to skill implementation. That’s a fancy way of asking ourselves “what’s getting in my way?” Sometimes it’s our automatic thoughts and sometimes it’s our pattern of thinking. A lot of the times, our strong emotional reaction is an accomplice in our stuckness.
Sometimes the barrier is us
In our culture, we have a habit of taking things personally rather than taking personal accountability. Sometimes the biggest barrier we will overcome is our own limiting beliefs. Of course, there are many outside forces that enact upon us and change the way we think, feel, and relate. I think both can co-occur; environment changes the individual and individuals can change their environment. In any case, if we want things around us to change, something inside of us will inevitably have to change too.
I am not one to blame others for their personal shortcomings. Life is so much more nuanced than that. I do, however, think humans possess incredible skills and have an innate capacity for change and growth. I believe in our ability to pivot in the face of adversity and I believe our nervous systems are naturally flexible, resilient, and capable of holding a lot.
Sometimes thinking and overthinking is our safest option. I want to honour that. Doing something new can be hard and challenging. When something is hard, we tend to overestimate the size of the discomfort it will produce and underestimate our ability to handle it. That’s how thinking gets in our way or holds us back.
I know at the top of this article I promised a bit of a “how-to” situation. And sometimes in the case of overthinking, I think the best thing “to-do” is to turn down the volume a little bit, practice the pause, take a beat, and resist the urge to dive into this habit of overthinking. This is really hard to do, so I don’t want to simplify it by promising or suggesting that this is easy or possible just by reading an article.
I do, however, think it’s important to look inward and ask ourselves what we need and what we are truly capable of.
Sometimes thinking prevents us from doing.
Sometimes the best plan is to not have one.
Sometimes thinking keeps us stuck right where we are.
And sometimes, therefore, the best way forward is to relax, slow down, and give ourselves grace.
Take care this week,
Jake